Musings

Little Women, Big Lessons

2011-08-06T06:25:00.001-07:00

I first read Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women" back when I was about 10 years old. I remember loving it and holding onto the vivid images it produced in my mind of what a strong and healthy family is and longing to have that in my own life someday. I identified most with Beth and Jo. At 10, I had Jo's fiery spirit, but it was so buried by self-consciousness that I never had her boldness, and I ended up acting more like Beth. And I remember wanting so badly to really be like Beth...to be simple, to just want to clean house, mend socks, bake bread and not have any larger illusions of grandeur to discontent my spirit. If you're familiar with this story, I'm sure you can imagine the frustration a person would feel if they had the spirit of Jo but the mind and body of Beth.

Usually, when I love a book, I read it a few times, and I especially did this when I was a kid. But once done with Little Women, I set it aside and didn't pick it up again. I didn't read any of Alcott's work again until college when I took a 19th Century American Women Writer's class, and we studied her life and other works. I gained an understanding of what influenced her writing and perspective - of course, the circumstances of whatever era a person is living in will influence them, but Alcott was also influenced by her parents' perpetual strivings towards the establishment of a better society and a better life based on God's design of how we humans can best live in harmony with each other. They proudly practiced transcendentalism, a popular German philosophy at the time (Emerson and Thoreau were famous transcendentalists of the time) that said that righteousness comes from transcending the physical and empirical institutions of society and religious doctrine and relying on God's use of our own intuition to guide us through life. Her essay, Transcendental Wild Oats, is a hilarious account of her parents' attempt at communal life with a group of like-minded professors and philosophers. Alcott describes how these high thinkers whose fingers had never dug soil or baked their own bread, failed miserably at producing their own food, and building their own homes, not to mention that not a day of the much sought after harmonious living with each other ever happened. She illustrated the old adage that those who cannot do, teach.

A few weeks ago, 12 years after college, (not to mention a marriage and couple of kids later), I picked up a tattered paperback copy of Little Women at Half Priced Books with a horrible 70's style illustration on the cover of whom I think is supposed to be Jo except she has a ton of make-up on, a la Farrah Fawcet, and her dress looks more like a Loretta Lynn stage prop than something that the Jo I loved and knew would wear. I finally got past cringing at the cover and started reading it this week.

Reading Little Women at age 35 has been quite a different experience than reading it at age 10, and I am realizing that perhaps God had a hand in me reading this particular book at this particular time. After all, what else could explain me buying such any book with such a hideous cover?

(I had to take a picture of the book with my Mac's photo booth app because apparently its such a horrible cover that there is not even a record of it's existence online)

When years of young adult angst got overshadowed and buried in priority by unplanned parenthood, I scrambled to formulate a plan of how in the world I could ever be a good mother. I read all the books, changed my life completely to best provide for their spiritual, physical, and emotional health, and most of all, have loved them tremendously. But no matter what I've done, I've felt like a perpetual failure...like there's always more I could be doing, or better choices I could have made, on and on and on 'till I start to question God's plan of making me a mother and thinking that these poor kids would be so much better off with someone else. The other night, I was wallowing in one of these trains of thought and expressed it to Scott, which I don't usually do. I think these thoughts so often and don't want to bring him down or discourage him. But for some reason, I was compelled to be honest...to just let it all spill out. He immediately pointed out to me that everything I said was nonsense and that those thoughts were nothing but whispers from Satan who wants me to hate myself and would love nothing more than for me to abandon my family and dive into the oblivion of selfishness and worldly indulgence. Then the next day, I read this passage in Little Women. It's the part where Marmee, in an effort to help Jo learn how to cope with her emotions after she allowed her anger to overtake her and cause Amy harm, allows herself to be transparent to her daughter by describing her lifelong struggle with her temper. She described what I have felt so many times - the immense frustration over worldly institutions, such as our economy, dictating the state of her children's lives and limiting the opportunities that the world has to offer. Jo asks her how in the world she has managed to pull off her merry and gracious attitude, and Marmee answers with:

My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning and may be many, but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother.

The story continues with:

Jo's only answer was to hold her mother close, and in the silence that followed the sincerest prayer she had ever prayed left her heart without words; for in the sad yet happy hour, she had learned not only the bitterness of remorse and despair, but the sweetness of self-denial and self-control; and led by her mother's hand, she had drawn nearer to the Friend who welcomes every child with a love stronger than that of any father, tenderer than that of any mother.

I think I was pretty much sobbing by time I got to the last sentence. I was reminded of my own mother, and most of the time, I push all thoughts of her away and focus only on my new life that began first in Christ and then has been lived out with my own marriage and family. But this time, I allowed the Holy Spirit within me to guide my thoughts, trusting that God had brought her to my mind for a reason, and I quieted my own will and allowed His to take over. Suddenly, I felt empathy for my own mother. I realized that she was so much like me, wanting so much for her children and not having the resources to provide anything. Sadly, she did allow Satan's whispers to overcome her and drag her so far down that she committed the ultimate act of selfishness and left this world by her own hand. And then I realized with overwhelming relief what a gift God has given me in my family! As much as I fought and struggled against the circumstances He placed before me, the truth is, God placed a servant of his, Scott, in my life so that He could speak to me when I'm too weak to listen to that Holy Spirit within me. He very purposefully placed my children here to keep me working and striving for goodness, to keep me getting out of bed no matter how deep in the mire my mind may be, and to also use them as vessels to show me His love.

So, here I am, reminded of who I am in God's eyes, all because He used Alcott's beautiful story of four sisters and their wise Marmee to remind me of His purpose and plan for me. Today, despite the worrisome state of the world, our finances, and every other trouble that my mind can conjure up, I am happy. And I am so thankful that God has given me a chance to raise up my own children with the knowledge of His purpose and with the peace and comfort that can only come from feeling His love. He gave me (me!) the chance to start a legacy of triumph rather than defeat, of lifelong peace rather than suffering, with my own family. Thank you, Heavenly Father!

It's Official...I'm a Homeschool Mom.

2011-04-23T04:41:00.000-07:00

First, I'd like to dispel one myth about homeschool moms...I do not wear "mom jeans" nor do I own any sort of romper-esque piece of clothing. I wear make-up, I like hip clothes (though I'm currently too fat for most what I like), and I LOVE shoes and getting my hair done. I listen to good music (no CCM crap in my abode), and I watch good movies and HBO shows whether they are R rated or not.

Now that that's out of the way...

As most of my friends and family know, we have agonized over so many options for schooling for our kids. Having had a HORRIBLE experience in the Tennessee public school system, I knew before I had kids that I wanted to do something different with my kids. So, one of the many points of stress when we had children before we were ready was figuring out how we would pay for this "something different" because anything outside the public school system involves money. Homeschooling is something I always had a passion for - a passion that began when I was 13 and babysat for the only healthy, well-functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) family I had ever encountered. The mom homeschooled and had the sweetest and smartest kids I had ever seen and she was one of the happiest people I had ever met. So, that was always in the back of my mind as the thing I would do, but when you have kids when you can't afford to shelter and feed them on one salary, then, Mommy has to go to work, and that's the boat we were in.

First Holloway went to a private school that we were fortunate enough to have mostly paid for - first because the school picked Holloway's kinder year to experiment with giving 100% tuition assistance, and we qualified, so that was that. Sadly they had to ax that program because it killed their budget, but he still got to attend 1st grade due to a miracle gift from an anonymous donor. Then, we decided to give public school a try since I still had to work, and we just had no other option. We sold our house in Pflugerville just to move into one of the best school districts in Texas, and rented a house right across the street from one of the best schools in this district. We are coming the end of Holloway's first year there, 2nd grade, and it has been a sad and disappointing experience. I went in expecting to deal with ridiculous bureaucracy, humanist/secular brainwashing that we would have to fix at home, and of course, larger classrooms and just more chaos in general. I knew that would be part of the deal. What I didn't expect is how much the change in curriculum and teaching methods would adversely affect Holloway.

He began his education with the classical curriculum taught at HCCSA, and he did really well. I won't go into what exactly a classical curriculum involves and how it is different from what public schools do (you can google it), but I'll just say that it is a great approach to learning that is based on how people have been learning for the hundreds of years before the 1990's when the powers that be decided that creativity and being happy are not only the most important factors in educating a child, but can only be attained through a chaotic mess of random information and rewards for hollow non-accomplishments.

As we come to the close of 2nd grade, his first year in a non-classical setting in our local public school, Holloway doesn't enjoy school anymore for many reasons. One is that he's totally bored and unchallenged - for example, his spelling words at the end of 1st grade included integrity and exposition...last week, here at the end of second grade, his spelling words were: great, tell, men, say, and small. He has actually regressed in his critical thinking skills, and as an added bonus, feels horrible about himself because he's been criticized all year for not being "creative and original" enough. He now believes that since he can't draw very well, then he's not smart. Seriously people, this kid read the first Harry Potter book during the summer before 2nd grade, yet he has a B in 2nd grade reading because his illustrations aren't "creative and original" enough for the public school demi-gods. Yes, they literally list "creative and original" as a criteria for grading on their rubric for all reading and writing assignments. So, a 2nd grade boy is expected to read something, then draw a picture of what he read, AND include "original" details that would "add" to the story. So, if he's not "creative" enough in his drawing and can't come up with a way to draw something that actually adds something that wasn't in the story, then his grade is lowered. Just writing this out is making me fume. The majority of 2nd grade brains (especially boys' brains) aren't capable of this!!! Yes, I know there are exceptions, but most kids shouldn't be expected to do this - if they can do it, great, if they can't, they shouldn't be penalized for it.

In the classical model, there are 3 stages in a child's learning experience...the school of grammar, the school of logic, and the school of rhetoric. The grammar stage is K-4. I'm reading this wonderful book called The Well-Trained Mind by Jessie Wise and Susan Wise Bauer, and it's about how to do a classical curriculum at home. They describe the grammar stage child as a sponge who is taking in information - soaking it up - that's why memorization of facts is really easy for kids this age and they find it really fun to memorize a bunch of stuff and then spout it off. Processing and using what they've memorized comes in stages. And if they've filled their little spongy selves with all kinds of facts and information, then when their brains are ready for being creative and original, they will be highly creative and original. However, if you try to force a young child to be creative and original before they have a knowledge base of information and experience to draw from, it's like trying to get water out of a dry sponge. Here's a passage I just read the other day from this book on the topic of forcing kids to be creative during the grammar stage:

"Although you should encourage any creative impulses, we don't think you should require the child to be creative during the grammar stage of education. He's still absorbing and taking in. If he's naturally creative, fine. If not, demanding creativity will only be counterproductive."

So, we've decided that the public school educational system is not for us. And we can't afford private school. And I'm now home, and I'm only caring for 2 babies in addition to my own 2 kids, so it's just like I have a bigger family. (I know home school families with 5 or 6 kids - more than mine plus the ones I'm caring for). I've been doing school with Bren regularly, and it's been great...not stressful at all and all of the kids enjoy our school time. So, naturally, homeschooling has surfaced as the best option for us. And I'm really excited about it. I've found some great materials to use and I'm so lucky to already have friends who home school whom I can get advice from. Most of all, I'm really looking forward to seeing Holloway thrive again...to become reacquainted with the love of learning that he used to have.

Gratitude

2011-04-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my friend, Sarah's, blog, I'm going to write about what I'm grateful for today, rather than complain about whatever annoying habits or quirks my kids are driving me crazy with today.

Today, I'm grateful for:

My sweet, hard-working husband, Scott.
My loving children
The home that we get to live in for right now - it's way more awesome than we can afford!
The income I am making for taking care of two sweet babies whom I am totally in love with!
The sweet parents of the two sweet babies whom I care for who trust me with their little precious girls.
Incredible, generous, and loving friends.
An encouraging and sincere church family
Food on the table
Clothes on our backs

What more could a person ask for? We are blessed beyond belief.

Oh what to do...

2011-04-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

So, we all know that every child is different and has their own set of unique challenges. And I know that God will often put people in your life to help mold you...t0 refine those character defects that we all possess into better reflections of who God sees us to be. Well, God is using one of my children to help me be more empathetic and compassionate toward those who are different than me. And I've been in the fire quite a bit lately and am frankly getting a bit exhausted.

I love my son dearly, but there are days when I look at him and wonder where in the world he came from. Ever since he entered toddlerhood, I have been continually experiencing a vast spectrum of emotions when learning about his likes and dislikes, watching how he solves problems, and watching him interact with people. That range spans across being surprised, disappointed, confused - sometimes full of awe and admiration and sometimes full of shame and regret.

To give a light hearted example, Holloway's taste in movies, toys, and tv just leave me dumbfounded at times. I actually have an eight-year-old boy who refuses to watch Star Wars, Spiderman, Batman, Chronicles of Narnia, Indiana Jones, and pretty much everything else that is super exciting and fun. He, at least, likes comedy, so we can enjoy a few things together, but anyone looking in from the outside on our family on a Sunday night as we try to agree on a movie to watch together would walk away completely dazed and confused after seeing our sweet little three-year-old princess begging us to watch Star Wars, and then us, in turn, begging our eight-year-old to at least give it a try. I just never, in my wildest dreams, when I was pregnant with my son, imagined that in eight years I would be saying something like, "Come on! Plllleeeeaaase try to watch Star Wars! It is so awesome!" And yes, sometimes we do just turn something like that on anyway, claiming that the majority rules and that he'll just have to go read in his room if he doesn't like it. But family movie night is supposed to involve ALL of us, so at least once a week, we have to ALL agree on what to watch. But on the flip side, I can't even describe the happiness I feel when he is so excited about learning his verses for AWANA or when I see him reading his bible in his room after being given the task of finding something to do other than watch tv or play his DS. He also really enjoys things that I was never exposed to like team sports...he just loves basketball and soccer season. I, on the other hand, can't wait for those seasons to end so that we can have our Saturday mornings free again, and I don't have to sit and wait and entertain Bren during practices. So, we're just on completely different wavelengths, and though I know it's good for me...I KNOW that I NEED to be more patient and not as selfish - it's exhausting and is about to drive me crazy.

On a different level, Holloway always throws me for a loop when interacting with people - sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. The good way is his ability to make friends. I have always been impressed with Holloway's ability to make friends and talk to anyone. If there's a kid around, he'll find some way to play with them. Boy was I the opposite when I was little. If I was at a playground, I would go as far away from the other kids as I could possibly get...totally afraid of rejection and being made fun of and just wanting to escape into my own little world of fantasy and play. I remember being in awe watching Holloway just go right up to kids on the playground when he was little and asking them to play and then he'd have new friends by the time we left. That is so awesome. But then I turn around and an hour later we're at someone's home, and he's got the gall to complain about the food they serve him, or he runs into a kid from school who is excited to see him and he doesn't even respond when they say hi, or I catch him criticizing and correcting his friends over every little thing that comes out of their mouths. There have been times in the last year when I have considered just not letting him back out into the general public until he gets this part of himself straightened out. I mean, he can be SO obnoxious and rude and I just don't know where he got this from. Now he's not all bad...if he were then he wouldn't have been able to keep any of these friends that he's made. One thing I see him doing that always makes me proud is that he always lets the other kid choose what to do, even when we sometimes have a kid over who never lets him choose. It frustrates him, but he truly takes the golden rule to heart. There's one kid, in particular, who, when he comes over, is pretty bossy and pretty much dictates what they are going to do the whole time. I've pulled Holloway aside and told him, "don't let him boss you around like that....if you want to do something different, then tell him it's your turn to choose." And he always just takes it in stride and says something like, "Oh it's ok, I know that I need to show him grace." Yes, he has actually said this before! And it just blew my mind because I had no idea how to show another kid grace when I was little. If someone did me wrong, they were erased from my board...they might as well have not existed. So, his ability to forgive and show grace just astounds me...and I know that God is using that to help me in my life right now...and I thank Him for that.

So all in all, I guess it balances out. I have an inability to show grace sometimes, and sometimes, he is completely unable to not complain about food or to respond to people when they say hi. But that doesn't mean that we have to settle for these character defects and just accept them as reality. We need to be continually working to better ourselves and not allow such behaviors to effect our relationships and cause damage. So...I guess that's why God made Holloway my son and vice versa. We both need each other.

Insomnia, sooo...time for updates

2011-03-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when you wake up hacking from allergies and you can't breathe and can't sleep? Well, I did the obvious first...checked email, checked FB, read my favorite news sites. So, now, it's time to write.

First, updates are in order.

Nazi-parenting status update - We are getting excellent results. Though there have been a few tears and some frustrating moments, Holloway has turned back into the kid that we've always enjoyed being around. Of course, training never ends. We had about 3 days of uninterrupted great behavior, and the other morning, I was thrown for a loop when I put a plate of food in front of him, and he blurted out, "is that all?" without thinking. Well, that little moment of selfishness and ungratefulness cost him a day of no screen time - no tv, no DS, no Wii, no computer, etc. And I think we've had about 48 hours of great behavior since then. But what's really cool is the change I'm seeing in the independent decisions he's making. He's not just following our rules, he's actually processing the "why" behind the rules and is making some cool decisions on his own. For instance, he noticed yesterday how crappy I've been feeling because of allergies, and he said something like "I'm so sorry you don't feel good," and he just got up and started cleaning up the toys from the living room floor and putting away all of the baby stuff after the babies got picked up. After the initial shock wore off, I was almost in tears over how proud I was at his display of selflessness.

Speaking of daycare - here's a status update on that. To respect the privacy of the kids I care for, I won't discuss specifics about them, other than to say that I am blessed with sweet babies to care for and great parents to work with. But, what I can and do want to write about is the impact it's had on our family. I can't even count the number of times every day that I am thankful for making this decision. Bren is so happy at home, and I am so happy with what she is learning by watching me care for babies. She LOVES these babies like they are her little sisters and brother, and what's really cool is that I have an opportunity to show her how precious babies are and how God wants us to love them and nurture them - an opportunity I wouldn't otherwise often have since she is the youngest child in the family. She's already playing more with her baby dolls (which she was never super interested in) - pretending to give them bottles and change their diapers. There's a new doll being peddled on all of the kids' channels called the Little Mommy Wipey Dipey Doll that she really wants for her birthday...hopefully grandma and papa will read this since we already got her her bday present. ;)

And Holloway is getting a review in all of this too when he comes home from school. He got a huge dose of all of this when Bren was born and he was 4, and I cared for 2 other little babies and a toddler in addition to Bren. I get lots of proud mommy moments when he walks in from school and sees the babies playing or sees me feeding one a bottle and he says, "aww...she's so cute."

I hope a good future daddy is in development here.

And for me, well, life is much more simple now, and I get to do things that I enjoy doing and am pretty good at, which is exactly what I was shooting for. After being out of a corporate work environment for a couple of weeks now, it's even more obvious to me that I am just not wired for that stuff. I'm not administrative, I'm not good at hiding what I really think and feel...it's just not a world where I can succeed. What I am good at is taking care of babies, teaching my kids, and cooking, and I'm getting to do a lot of that.

Oh, and I get to go to church where I want to now, which is super cool. One thing that I can now freely say about church staff structures is that I do not think it's a good policy to force all of the staff to worship at the same church. For some staff, it's necessary - for worship staff, for the pastors, etc. But for the administrative people like me, it's not necessary. And especially for the financial people and the HR people, I think it's actually healthier for them to NOT worship at the church they work for. When you're in those roles, it's just too much of a conflict and it's harder to compartmentalize work from worship. So, anyway, there's my two cents on that topic.

Ok, I think I've rambled long enough. Now for phase 3 of insomnia...mindless television. Actually, what I want to watch isn't so mindless...it's a documentary called Loose Change. Very interesting.

Nazi Parenting - Week One

2011-03-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

So my kids' lives, mainly Holloway's, have been turned upside down this week, all completely and entirely on purpose, as a result of our eyes being opening to some hard truth.

Isn't there some kind of saying that the parents are always the last to know? Well, I never thought that would be me, but I was definitely the blind parent this time. I had to experience something on Friday that no parent ever wants to experience...after my child spent 2 days with another family over Spring Break, I was kindly told that he was obnoxious, selfish, ungrateful, and annoying to be around. Now, our sweet friends who informed us of his behavior did so in LOVE - they were gracious, they were forgiving, and they were full of love for us as friends and love for Holloway as a budding little human who just needs some training. Once it sunk in exactly what he had done, I am in awe of these friends for just how gracious they were. If I had a child in my home who acted the way that Holloway did, and that child did not belong to me, that child would be on the next wagon home within about 5 mins. But my friends put up with it...for TWO days. And they not only put up with it....they took it on as their God-given responsibility as our friends to help him. To speak truth to him. The other kids in the family showed him by example how he was wrong. Now, unfortunately, he didn't get it until my husband and I spelled it out to him, but at least he finally got it.

I experienced a real roller coaster of emotions for the first 24 hours or so after hearing this hard truth. Guilt and shame were the co-stars of my little emotional fit. Guilt over not nipping this behavior in the bud. Shame and guilt over failing my son by not nipping this behavior in the bud and causing him to possibly lose a friend whom he loves. But after I processed it all, prayed and asking God for guidance, I woke up the next morning renewed - in a rare parenting moment, I felt 100% certain in what I had to do...full-on Nazi parenting. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it." I've always loved that verse, but I realized that I completely neglected to do the very thing that it says to do. TRAIN up the child! So, Holloway is now in training for gratefulness, consideration, selflessness, compassion, and humility. We began the character defect boot camp 3 days ago, and so far it's working.

It's so funny...once a plan of action was in place, I sat down with Holloway to inform him of how life would be from now on...and as I was saying things like "you will eat what's put in front of you or not eat at all" and "you will respond and look people in the eye when they speak to you" I realized how neglectful I have been in training up my child! Yes, we've talked about these things before, I point out how he should be doing these things when he neglects to do them, but I've never been super serious about enforcing the behaviors by setting consequences, and the result is that he went out into the world and was a little jerk! So, now there are consequences, and he has suffered them, and wow, what a difference I am seeing after only 3 days!

I know I'm not home free...I know there will always be trials. But I am so comforted in the confidence I feel now in training up my child in the way he should go, and that direction and confidence came from only one source...God's unfaltering truth. It's all there...we have an instruction manual for raising our kids (among many other things), and all we have to do is APPLY the truth that's there.

I'm so thankful for the loving friends that God put in my life, and for their faithfulness in allowing Him to work through them to help me and my family. Most of all, I'm so thankful for His Word that tells us exactly what to do. Now I just have to remember to READ it and USE it!

In the Mood

2011-03-16T04:44:00.000-07:00

So, I've got a writing bug this morning, and though I didn't open up this new post with any specific topic in mine, I just need to write. It's such a great way to start the day.

Rituals have been on my mind lately. I've realized how very important daily rituals are to my mental and emotional well being. I'm sure it's some deep seated need for security rooted in childhood trauma, but whatever the reason, I need rituals, and I'm not a happy mommy, wife, or person in general if I don't get to do a few key things before I start my day.

When I was working outside the home (just 2 short weeks ago), I had a ritual that began once I got to work...I got my laptop set up, I got my coffee, I ate my breakfast, and I read the fun emails first. Then I could work and be productive. I did that every morning for 3 years. And when something happened that messed that ritual up, my day just was not the same. It might have still been a good day, but it was off and I would end up feeling unsettled all day.

Since this huge change of being home and caring for babies and my own children, I've been trying to figure out what I need to do to get grounded every morning. I would love to say that every morning begins with a quiet time of reading scripture and meditation, but it's not. Sometimes it includes that, but those things aren't the crux of my ritual. I have finally landed on just two key things that I must have before I have to speak to anyone or do anything productive.

One...I must have at least 3 cups of coffee (preferably more), and I have a fun new ritual of drinking it out of a sweet cup and saucer from my grandmother's china set. There's just nothing like coffee or tea from a china cup. If you haven't experienced it, give it a try. I can't explain it...it's just some cosmic collision of rightness that comes together and makes the coffee drinking experience more than just a necessity. Usually, my focus on drinking coffee was just "get it in me now." I needed to get a few cups down and I was good - that's all I cared about. But now there's another layer with using this petite, delicate little cup and saucer set. For one, a new phenomenon has occurred...I'm drinking my coffee black now which I've never done. I noticed when I poured it into this cup that it was a different color - it was a pretty brownish black, not tar black, and it actually looked inviting. So I didn't ladle the usual vanilla creamer in, and I just went for it, and it was good. It was really good. So, now I'm drinking black coffee. And they way the cup feels against my lips is a very important part of why this cup is special. The rim is so thin and I can easily take just a sip rather than a gulp like I would from a typical modern day mug. It's simple and somehow less of an act of gluttony like my coffee drinking has been for the last several years since it became a necessity in my life rather than a once in a while thing. And I think, at the deepest level, drinking out of this cup reminds me of when I was a little girl and would watch my grandmother drink out of her china cup and saucer...she had a ritual too. She sat at her kitchen table, drinker her coffee...actually pouring it into the saucer to cool it off and then drinking it out of the saucer (this is a habit I don't think I'm going to take up), and read the paper. Which brings me to part 2 of my ritual, and it's very simple and is a representation of the modern times we live in. I get my screen time fix. I get on the computer, check my all-important facebook page for any messages or updates, check my email, and read the news. And sometimes I write, like I'm doing now.

Now I feel better...this was a good reminder that when you get the writing bug, there's got to be something to write about. Even if it's something as simple as a cup and saucer.

Day 2...It's For Real

2011-03-08T18:12:00.001-08:00

So, I've spent the last two days caring for two 3-month-old babies, a 1-yr-old, plus my own offspring. And that's minus one toddler who is a part of the group but has been sick.

And the question everyone is asking is..."so??? how's it going?" (and the rest of the sentence that they are thinking but not saying probably goes something like "you completely insane woman who just quit a cushy stable office job to take care of 4 babies!")

Well, in the spirit of the "one day at a time" motto, let's just say I try not to think too hard about it. I just do it. And so far, that's working pretty well. I mean, sure, there have been some rough moments...like yesterday when the 1-yr-old met our family cat and completely blew a gasket. Beadie simply walked out of our bedroom and hopped on the window sill, and this little girl acted like a four headed lizard alien had just come down from space to feast on humankind. The screeching lasted for about an hour, even though I immediately put Beadie back in our room and out of sight. And of course this happened during a rough moment with one of the infants who has had a hard time adjusting.

So, what have I learned so far? Well, first is that, gentleman, you are so predictable, and I love it. The one little man I have the privilege of tending to shows up, chills until it's time to eat, and is totally unphased by any screaming fits the little girls conjure up. Then he polishes off a big bottle of milk, makes a giant poopy diaper, then passes out until his mom shows up. Men really do never change!

I've also learned that we, girls, are just as predictable. Our bark is always worse than our bite. Our fits are usually a little more dramatic than necessary. And sometimes it takes quite a bit of whining before we accept anything that is suddenly thrust upon us by surprise. Those sweet baby girls had no idea that yesterday morning they would be suddenly spending 40 or so hours a week in my home with me, my funny little 3-yr-old girl and our, obviously, terrifying house cat. Yesterday was rough...I won't lie. There were a lot of tears, and I felt a little sad at the end of the day. Today started out the same, and I was worried, but by midday, these girls had new personalities. The toddler was suddenly smiling at Beadie and giggling when she walked across the floor. The tiny baby started cooing and smiling and enjoying her bouncy seat and swing. And...it was quiet and peaceful and happy...in a room with 3 babies!

So, if you want to know how it's going...it's going pretty darn good considering that we're only on day 2, and I've already experienced a room full of peaceful happy babies. The little bity ones smiled at me. The toddler was blowing me kisses all afternoon. And Bren has been telling me all night that she misses the babies and can't wait to see them tomorrow. And she has reminded me over and over again that she's so happy that we get to visit Grandma and Ms. Kelley, but we don't HAVE to go there. Right...that's why I quit that cushy office job to take care of 4 babies.

Last Day

2011-03-02T06:55:00.001-08:00

So, today is my last day as a full-time staff member of HCBC. Beginning tomorrow, my life will be dramatically different. Soon, I will be caring for some sweet babies, I'll not have to worry about where my own children are going everyday. I will get to work out several times a week now that I won't be suffering from working Mom's guilt about leaving them in the YMCA childcare after being without them all day, and I won't be spending 90 percent of my life doing something that isn't what I really want to be doing. That's pretty cool.

In my excitement over this, I'm starting to almost cripple myself by trying to take on too much at once. Over the years, there have been so many things that I've wanted to do and couldn't, or that I used to do and had to stop doing, because of our lifestyle. Now that the door has opened for the opportunity for me to start living the life I've wanted to live for so long, all of those things are flooding my mind and actually overwhelming me right now. For instance, tomorrow, i would like to crochet an afghan

work out,

do yoga

bake bread from scratch,

start a garden

learn to sew, learn to quilt, clean my house from top to bottom, and

homeschool my kids

And yes, I want to do all of this tomorrow. However, I'm not so crazy that I don't realize that's too much. So, what do I do first? I can't decide. I want to do them all, but I can't. Then I start to think about how behind I am...that I wouldn't be so overwhelmed if things had just worked out like this several years ago. But thoughts like that are purely self-destructive, and frankly, are from the devil

So, I do my best to block them out. But I still feel defeated and exhausted before I've even begun.

So, half the battle (or more) is realizing you have a problem, right? So, now, what do I do about it? I know I need to slow down, prioritize, and remind myself that I have many years to do all of these things.

So here's my new plan for tomorrow.

I'm going to get my hair done.

Then I'm going to hang out with Bren. Maybe we'll go to the park.

And then when Holloway gets home from piano practice, I'm going to cook us a good dinner

. Then I'll do dishes (maybe), put the kids to bed,

watch some Friday Night Lights

And hopefully have some sweet dreams about Tim Riggins. Whoa, did I just say that? ;)

That sounds like plenty to me.

Caturday

2011-02-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

http://www.buzzfeed.com/caturday/kittens-in-bowls

I'm putting this link in my blog because it's the best kitten video I've ever seen, and I want to always have it. I LOVE Japanese game shows!

As much as I love cats, I have to admit that I'm, once again, highly disappointed in the one cat who owns us, Beadie. I love her, no doubt, and I'm not going to throw her out the door to fend for herself, but she's such a brat. She cries and whines and pretty much just yells at me every time I walk in the door, which is the last thing I need when I'm walking in after a long day with armfuls of stuff and 2 kids who also immediately begin whining about what they want for dinner and what they want to watch on tv, and what are they going to get to do and on and on and on. When I finally get around to giving her some attention, she scrambles out of my arms, jumps back on the floor, and just sits there and yells at me some more. I give her food - she sniffs it, follows me back into the kitchen, and sits right next to me, yelling while I cook dinner. And it's not sweet meowing...it really is yelling. She may look like a tuxedo, but she's got the lungs of a siamese. She has this long, loud, mmmrrrrrrrooooooooowwwwwww, that she does over and over again. I know what she wants. She wants me to follow her to whatever couch or bed she wants to sleep on, and pet her and scratch her and pat her in the special spot right above her tail until she's had enough and is ready to sleep. Does she ever sit on my lap in return for these favors? Does she ever snuggle up next to me in the bed at night? No. I am nothing but a cat prostitute who lives every day in her little own private Caturday land. Why do I still love this selfish little thing? Because she does things like this sometimes:

And this:

And she's often very cute like this:

Sigh. I love Beadie. But she better start being nicer to me because one of these days, I'm going to get one of these:

And then she'll be sorry!

Our Heavenly Father's Love Letter to Us

2011-02-14T06:55:00.001-08:00

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

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35 going on 15

2011-02-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

I realized recently that I'm still very much a kid at heart. Sometimes this is good and sometimes it's bad. We'll start with the bad first and get it out of the way:

For me, the biggest downside to being a kid at heart is that I can be very selfish sometimes which manifests itself in many ways such as:

Not being a good listener and interrupting people when they're talking because I'm so excited about what I'VE got to say (interestingly, this is something my 3-yr-old routinely does. Maybe I should title this 35 going on 3?)
Thinking that my way is always the best way (hmm...another 3-yr-old trait)
When someone points out flaws in my ideas, my default is to get my feathers ruffled and start to defend my idea. (yep, i'm a 3-yr-old)

These are bad, childish behaviors that I'm aware of (admitting you have a problem is the first step!), and I do try hard to identify these "default" behaviors when they rear their ugly little beastie heads and remember what I should do instead. I'm not always perfect, but at least I'm trying.

Now to the fun stuff about being a kid at heart:

The most fun thing about being a kid at heart is embracing spontaneity! Being able to do this requires a good dose of mellow and a helping or two of laid back. Many adults have lost these personality traits due to the stress and strain of this crazy life in the flesh. I know at one point I had lost them. I was constantly tied up in a knot, worrying about what disasters the future held rather that what opportunities might lay ahead. But then, I hit a bottom of sorts, and when you hit bottom, there's no where to go but up, so I figured that I might as well enjoy and appreciate each day and the blessings that each day brings and leave the stress and strain part behind at the bottom.

Since doing that, I realized that I am kind of getting to be a kid! And since I didn't have the opportunity to be a kid when I actually was a kid, this is pretty cool. When something fun to do comes up, I look at how I can make it happen rather than at all of the obstacles. I get to feel that giddy freedom of, "oh, this is going to be FUN!" rather the worry over every little detail and wasting energy on trying to control or manipulate the imaginary outcomes of all of the "what ifs?" that pop into my mind. Now, some adults might consider those worries as the necessities of responsibility, discipline, and good planning. I just consider them a pain in the ass. As Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Given that we all have our faults, I am happy to continue to work on the selfish part of being a kid at heart and enjoy all of the benefits of looking at life every day with the bright and hopeful perspective afforded to many youth rather than trade all of that in for the stress, strain, seriousness, detail oriented, and control freak mindedness of many adults in this crazy world.

Cold Austin, New Life

2011-02-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

The last week in Austin has been cold. Wait, actually, FREEZING. The temps have gone down into the teens with windchills below zero. That is just something that isn't doable for people whose bodies are acclimated to 105 degrees for 4 months straight each year. Once you get used to that, your body can't just switch over to "oh ok, it's so cold that if you stay outside for more than an hour without a coat, hat, and gloves, you'll DIE." So, it's been a tough week, but with cold comes something every kid should have at least one of each year...a SNOW DAY! School was out and it couldn't have been timed better...on a Friday, to make for a nice 3-day weekend. What's even better is that we got the snow, the kids played in it, then by noon it was melted and gone and now today it will be in the 50's and tomorrow....sweet 60's and sunshine. Ahhh....now I can live with that.

So back to the snow day...though the ground only had about an inch, our trampoline collected about 3 inches, so the kids had a blast jumping around in the powdery snow.

One thing I totally forgot about from growing up in TN, where we got about 2 good, four inch snows a year, is the MESS. Suddenly, I had kids standing on my hardwood living room floors dripping, soaking wet, and crying because they were so cold. Oh, yeah, snow MELTS, and then the clothes get wet, and then you REALLY get cold. So, I rushed to get the kids out of their wet cold clothes and into some warm dry clothes and under blankets. Then I wiped up the wet floor and all was good. Then an hour later, the kids wanted to do it all over again. WHAT? Then my 5-year-old brain kicked in...that's right, you go out until you get so cold and wet that you cry, then you warm up inside, get bored, and forget about the pain you just experienced 60 minutes before. Sigh. Ok, so we went through the whole routine again, and I was prepared for the mess and it was a fun time.

This morning I woke up with some slightly overused, yet true (or else why would they be so overused?) prophetic thoughts about the change of seasons - the cold freezes the ground, kills the bugs, only to prepare for the coming life of Spring. And I realized what a neat time this is for me to be shedding something old and starting something new. God has made it clear in every way possible, in every little detail of the circumstances that have come about in the last few months, that He has prepared the way for us to move on, to leave not just my job at the church, but the whole experience of HCBC, and begin a new chapter of our lives with our new church family, and most importantly, together as a family.

My years at HCBC were God ordained, I have no doubt about that. He worked on me and Scott during these last six years in ways that we could have never imagined, using the ministries of HCBC to help us along on our journey.

During this season, Scott and I were always growing at different levels, and most of the time, were totally frustrated with each other. We, individually, grew from separate experiences at HCBC in ways we needed to grow that ultimately brought us together spiritually. And in the last few months since we finally came together and are in tune with each other spiritually, one thing became blaringly obvious...that we wanted to go to church together as a family, and that neither of us had ever been comfortable with the Sunday morning experience at HCBC. And come to find out, neither did our kids. Unlike going to the small classes on Monday nights at HCBC during CR, on Sunday mornings, our kids never felt comfortable in their kid classes - Holloway finally told me that he didn't really like it because it was too loud and there were too many kids and it stressed him out. Bren reluctantly went on Sunday mornings, but couldn't wait for her Monday night class where there were only a few kids and she got lots of love and attention for the sweet married couple who always cares for her. Not that her Sunday morning teachers weren't caring, but with so many kids, the situation couldn't help but be chaotic.

For me and Scott, we just never felt at home on Sunday mornings. We never liked the stadium seating, the huge stage, the 15-piece worship band, the overly dramatic prayers, the huge tv screens doing close-ups on the overly dramatic praying people with microphones...the list could go on. Overall, it was just too BIG and there were just too many people for two little introverts like us. Once we would finally get through the agonizing process of getting our kids' security tags from the kiosks, then shuffling through the crowds and navigating our way through the 3 story stairwell to get them to their different classes, we would get into the worship center, and hunt for a somewhat comfortable spot only to have to climb over 10 people and sit elbow to elbow with no personal space or leg room whatsoever. And then the music would start. I won't go into that...our friends know what we think and understand where we are coming from. For those of us who don't know us so well, I'll just say, it's just not for us. I appreciate the fact that some people get a great worshipful experience out of that kind of music and setting, but we don't. That's all there is to it.

So in the last few months, God has showered us with blessings that are allowing us to not be financially dependent on my job at HCBC, thus allowing me to quit and do the in-home childcare again, thus eliminating the requirement that we be members of HCBC. Subsequently, we quickly realized that we REALLY wanted to go to church together, and actually enjoy our Sunday morning experience. And we quickly knew exactly where we wanted to be...with our sweet friends in their small home church. We gather in living rooms, sing from hymnals, read scripture together, pray for each other, and study His word about how we can become more Christ-like and love and serve others. Then we eat lunch together and enjoy the fellowship of our church family. We've been for 3 weeks now, and I will never forget the relief I felt that first week that we went. I felt at home, I felt at peace, and I felt like a part of a spiritual family.

HCBC provided exactly what our family has needed for the last 6 years, and we will still be a part of CR and AWANA, and other ministries where we can serve and help others through the amazing resources that they have been blessed with. I'm so thankful to be able to do that, and now to also be able to worship in a way that's meaningful for us on Sunday mornings.

If there's one thing I learned in the last year, it's that when you totally surrender to God, and totally let him be the director of your life, He comes up with stuff that's way better than our little fleshy brains can conjure up. I'll let Him lead me anytime.

Conversation with a 3-yr-old

2011-01-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Here's the transcript from a conversation I had with Bren this morning on the way to taking her to Ms. Kelley's house.

Bren: Mommy, I'm going to go on a date.

Mommy: (recovering from heart stopping fear) Oh, well, honey, some day you can go on a date but not until your old enough to get married.

Bren: But Mommy, I wanna get married! And I wanna go on a date to get ice cream!

Mommy: Oh, well sweetie, me and your Daddy can take you for ice cream. Won't that be fun?

Bren: Oh yes, I will have a date with Mommy and Daddy and we will get ice cream, and it will ONLY be Bren, Mommy, and Daddy (emphasizing the only to be sure I understand that Holloway isn't invited)...pause...And then I will get married.

Mommy: (recovered enough to now play along) Oh I see, well, who are you going to marry?

Bren: Um, I think I'll marry Evan.

Mommy: Oh, well, Evan is very sweet.

Bren: Yes, and he will have to grow very tall and wear really really long long pants, and that will be really crazy.

Mommy: Yes, that will be very crazy.

The end.

What's Been Going On...

2011-01-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I recapped the big family events from 2010 in my last entry, but now I want to dig a little deeper and talk about some really cool stuff that has happened in the last few months.

Cool thing number one: Scott is drumming for a U2 cover band that actually makes money!!! And the really cool part is how that came about. Last summer, HCBC hired the Eggmen, a local Beatles cover band, to play at Summerfest. Scott chatted with the lead singer afterwards and found out that they actually make money. He did some figures in his head and realized pretty quick that if he were in a band like that, then he could make enough money for me to be able to open my in-home daycare again and be home for our kids at the same time. Being a drummer, Scott decided to put an add on craigslist about starting a U2 cover band and just see what happened. Well, something happened pretty quick. The lead singer of an established U2 tribute band contacted him and told him about his very successful band and said that they needed a drummer. So, Scott got to walk right into a drumming gig with an already successful U2 tribute band that is already making money. WOW. Talk about God moving in mysterious ways. ;) I got to see them this past weekend, and it was SO MUCH FUN! Here are some photos - a couple feature the belly dancer who was at a different show who comes out for the song Mysterious Ways - notice how Scott is determined to not look. Good boy.

One reason this is so cool is that of all of the bands that Scott could be in a cover band for, U2 is my dream come true. I've been a huge fan since I was 9-yrs-old. At 9, in 1985, most girls were into New Kids on the Block, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson. I just remember never liking any of that stuff, except for George Michael - I did like him, mainly because I thought he was SO CUTE. And, unfortunately, I was really prone to liking anything naughty way more than liking anything "all-american" and "wholesome" which is how the teeny-bopper pop artists of that day were marketed. I also was influenced by what my older brothers listened to which was mostly the Eagles, Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, and Motley Crue.

So, there I was, a misfit little ugly 9-yr-old girl, into 70's rock and heavy metal music that was way too mature for me to be listening to. Needless to say, I wasn't too popular. I was very lonely, actually. So living in an extremely dysfunctional family, coupled with the lack of friends, made fertile ground for a pretty warped path of emotional development.

So I was 9, and I remember reading my brother's Rolling Stone and there was an article about the Joshua Tree album and Bono was on the cover.

I had not heard their music yet, but I was immediately attracted to those stunning blue eyes on the cover, and when I read about how much emotion and passion went into their music, I was already hooked. So, I took a few dollars I had saved and bought the cassette tape as soon as I could get to a store, and the music was as wonderful as I imagined it would be. I had found an outlet for my angst. For the next several years, U2's music served as my comforter, my friend, my hope for a better life...my everything.

Skip ahead to now - After 12 years of marriage, Scott and I have been through quite a bit. After several years of bad stuff, the last year has been phenomenal in every way possible. We are closer than ever and our hopes and dreams for our children and our marriage and our future are being realized in ways we never thought possible. And now, Scott is drumming for this U2 tribute band, and I get to go and hear some of these beautiful songs that God used to give me hope through the worst times in my childhood. I just love how He surprises us in ways we can't even imagine.

Cool thing number 2: I get to quit my job at HCBC and do my in-home daycare again! I'm so thrilled. The situation we're in now is so good, and I'm so looking forward to being at home again. I have 3 sweet baby girls lined up to begin caring for in March - a 3 mon old, and two 1-yr-olds. Kinsley, Mica, and Julia. They are just precious, and I can't wait to be able to focus on my home, my kids, and caring for these sweet girls.

Cool thing number 3: We can afford to send Holloway to Fortis Academy! Again, due to the band gig, but also due to Scott's success in his day job, we are also able to afford to send Holloway to Fortis Academy - a 2 day a week school that partners with parents who have the desire to homeschool and also want their kids in a classroom environment. He already has 2 sweet friends who attend there, and we are so looking forward to joining this community of families.

Cool thing number 4: Back to the angst and dysfunctional family stuff I mentioned before...well, those things led to some pretty destructive behavior on my part. Behavior that, if left untethered, would have wound up killing me eventually. Behavior that, unfortunately, is actually considered pretty normal for a lot of people in our society, but in reality, is simply an escape to cope with the insane world in which we all live.

Right now, I am celebrating several months of being free of those habits and hang-ups. I'm celebrating healing and God's grace in my life.

It's a beautiful day!

2010 - Raulie family

2011-01-20T06:40:00.001-08:00

So, since I failed to update this blog for over a year, and since I mostly wanted to do this for my own posterity, I want to post some pics and events from 2010. And I'm a total novice at posting pics, so some are huge, some are small, some of the titles didn't end up where I put them once I published this, etc.

Valentine's Day

Snow day in Texas!

Easter

Bren's 3rd Birthday

Port Aransas and the Texas State Aquarium

Port Aransas again with Grandma and Papa, Uncle Steven, Aunt Susan, and cousins Philip, Jacob, and Brandon

Halloween and Fall

Holloway's 8th Birthday

Thanksgiving - Our friends Brian and Brandy, and their girls Mary and Sophie, visited from Houston and joined us for Thanksgiving dinner!

Christmas 2010

Starting Over

2011-01-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm coming upon a new life change that will allow me to keep up with things like blogs, I thought I might as well get started.

This blog is one of the many things that got put to the side in the midst of trying to work full time and be a good parent and wife over the last 3 years or so. Other things in that category include exercise, eating healthy, keeping the house in order, planting flowers, scrapbooking, crocheting, cooking, learning how to sew and quilt, teaching my children, reading, doing online coursework, and various other things that make a person balanced spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Obviously, I'm not too good at splitting my focus between family, work, and things I love to do.

Thus, the consequence of my lifestyle for the last 3 years has resulted in high cholestoral, a 40 lb weight gain, atrophy of critical thinking skills from doing mostly mundane and unchallenging work for 90% of my time in the office, and a ridiculous amount of late night TV watching because I don't have the mental or physical energy for anything else after a day of work and eating unhealthy processed quick meals because I don't get home until 6pm and have to cook dinner, feed the kids, give them baths, make sure Holloway has his homework done and has practiced piano, and then get them settled in bed by 8pm.

Good news is...that will be over soon! Thanks to God's blessings on us, Scott is doing great at work and has been promoted a couple of times in the last few months. He's also making money on the side drumming for a U2 cover band, so that means that I can go back to taking care of some sweet babies for some extra dough, and I get to be a full-time mom again!

I'm actually still not quite believing it to tell you the truth. I mean, I know, logically, that we've paid our dues...it's not like we haven't worked our tails off for the last 10 years to get to a comfortable stage in life. I guess it's just that these blessings came on us all of a sudden, and all at once, after so many years of praying for them. I'm just so thankful for our friends, our home, our marriage and family, and the fact that Scott is getting to do something really fun that he loves to do AND make money at it!

I do want to point out though, that these changes happened after Scott and I did some pretty serious spiritual work. It wasn't until we let go of control of our future that all of this happened. It wasn't until we totally surrendered our whole hearts to doing God's will no matter where His will led us that we started to experience the things that we've been praying for for so long. God does answer prayers, but we have to be willing to let Him do the work and to do it according to His plan, not our own timeline.

So, I'll end this first post in over a year by saying that I'm so looking forward to getting myself balanced again. I can't wait to organize our closets, crochet an afghan, cook some homemade meals, take walks in the evenings, play with some sweet kids, and most of all, honor God by being the best mom and wife that I can possibly be.

Deep Thoughts by Holloway

2009-10-31T06:15:00.000-07:00

Holloway: Mommy, do boys and girls have babies? Like, I mean, have babies grow in their tummies?

Mommy: Uh no, sweetie, just girls have babies grow in their tummies. Women, actually, ....and they have to be married!

Holloway: So, you're sure? No boys at all can grow babies in their tummies?

Mommy: Right, just mommies, and only girls can be mommies.

Holloway: Oh, thank God!

I about DIED laughing!!

2009-10-28T07:26:00.001-07:00

My Grandma

2009-10-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

My grandmother is in the last stages of life today. She has entered into the stage of "battled breathing," and the doctors have said it will be "minutes to hours" before she passes.

A while back, I wrote my first of a few essays talking about her life. That first essay highlighted her sin nature of attempting to control her image by controlling everyone else around her. She did a lot of damage to my mother emotionally and psychologically. But in the grand scheme of her life, she was an amazing woman. My plan was to build up to highlighting the redeeming qualities that have shined through in her life, the qualities that are truly a reflection of Christ's love for us. That is still my plan, it just got delayed by life - I had hoped to have it done before she passed. So, as I am mourning this loss, I want to get back on track with telling her story.

My grandmother was born on June 1, 1918. She was the 4th of 6 children - 2 boys, Wheeler and Andy, and 4 girls - Nancy Alta (my grandmother), Rena, Hester, and Cleo. They lived in a house on an Ozark mountain ridge. They were very poor but survived on the food from their garden and from the chickens that they raised. She did go to school and through the 8th grade, which was unusual for a girl during the time in that part of the country. She had a very loving family.

My grandmother was sort of the ugly duckling in her family. Though these traits are much adored in our culture today, she was tall and had sharp features and was not considered a beauty in her time. At the age of 24, she was labeled an "old maid." So, when an older widowed man showed interest in marrying her, she thought it would be the best deal she would get. He was in his 40's and already had 8 children from his previous wife, who died giving birth to that eighth child. He was a business man in a nearby town, Neosho, MO, and she began working in his office during the betrothal. She enjoyed dressing up and going to work everyday in his office. She enjoyed managing the daily office duties and getting to socialize in town every day. However, soon after marrying, she felt the sting of the realization that her husband, Charles C. Risley, had married her so that he could have someone to clean his house, cook meals, and take care of his other children. He showed very little affection, much less love, for his wife.

His oldest daughters were only a few years younger than my grandmother. Their husbands were fighting in the war overseas, so they were living at home. This proved to be quite unpleasant for the new bride. The youngest girl, Edna, was only 9, and my grandmother wanted to nurture her and care for her, but she wasn't allowed to by the older sisters. So, she lived day in and day out, in a household where she was treated as "the help" by everyone, including her own husband.

A couple of years down the line, my grandmother became pregnant with my mother, Charlotte. The family blood tie finally gave my grandmother a legitimate place among my mother's half siblings and her father. Though they were never overflowing with love, good relationships began forming, and my grandmother now had the joy of raising her daughter. Charles may not have treated my grandmother with the love and respect deserved to a wife, but he did love his children, my mother included, and there was never a doubt about that.

When my mother was nine, she came down with Rheumatic Fever, one of those things that we get vaccinated for today that often killed children and old people. She was bedridden for about 10 months. During this time, my grandmother became pregnant with her second child, Sammie. Unbeknownst to her and the rest of the family, Charles was facing bankruptcy. He attempted to open a restuarant (to be named Charlee after my mother and after one of his other daughters, Anna Lee) and had failed. In the 1940's bankruptcy was even more of a shameful event for a family to endure than it is today. He believed that his only option was to rid his family of his disgrace by ending his life. He walked out into a field with his revolver and committed the ultimate act of selfishness in an attempt to save his family from shame. The local newspapers exploited the event, declaring that he had killed himself because of a failed business and a "sick daughter" referring to my mother's rheumatic fever. No one, including my grandmother, ever told my mother that his death wasn't her fault.

With nothing left for support, my grandmother, the second wife, pregnant and with a 9-yr-old daughter, was forced to move in with her oldest step-son and his wife. Again, she was relegated to the status of housekeeper. Soon after having her second baby, a girl she named Sammie, she got a job as a maid and she somehow supported her 2 children. Being a single mom and a maid in a small town in the 1950's was no small feat. However, she saw my mother through graduation from high school who then moved to live with her rebellious aunt in Chicago, my grandmother's sister who had run off to the big city as soon as she turned 18.

More to come. This is sort of just a shell of her story...I'd like to fill in the details one day, perhaps make it a historical novel.

What the kids are doing

2009-10-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

I mainly use this blog to document learnings and funny things my kids do because I have such a terrible memory. It's good for me to look back and read about experiences and be reminded of how amazing God is and how faithful He is to me and our family.

Right now, I just want to jot down a collection of funny things the kids have said and/or done for posterity.

Bren: Bren is a princess, or "pinpess," as she declares. She's totally into dressing up the part all day and night and talking about how "ya-ya is a pince" and me and Scott are the king and queen. She loves watching Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. She sings along to the opening songs, but I haven't been able to catch her on video yet. She always sees me and then stops singing! She also wants to always read either Sleeping Beauty or Beauty and the Beast at bedtime and at naptime.

She's really enjoying Halloween, and everything she sees that has anything to do with Halloween, she looks at and says, "Ooooh scary spookies!" in a funny whispery voice. It's the cutest thing ever. She likes to pretend to change her baby's diaper but only when she's in her little playhouse in the backyard. Then she will just as quickly leave the baby lying in the dirt when it's time to go inside and watch a princess movie. She LOVES people...she loves to play with our neighbor, Gracie, and some other friends down the street, Mallory and Ethan. She loves to get out and do things...she hates being cooped up in the house for too long. I'm afraid she may be an extrovert which is quite frightening to my introverted soul!

Holloway: Holloway is in 1st grade at HCCSA. His best friends are Calloway, Geneva, Elias, Morgan, and Julia. His favorite outside games are frisbee and tag. He likes to play basketball, golf, and tennis. He loves almost all board games - right now, it's Uno Spin. He loves to watch Biggest Loser and America's Got Talent. He really likes to sing and dance. He doesn't really play with many toys, but he does like Bakugans...he makes up his own little stories and uses them as characters. He actually does this with a lot of stuff - the other day, he was making a little play with the two knobs on the end of the strings for the blinds. Holloway's biggest interest though is video games...and he's really good at them. We do let him play quite a bit on the weekends because he gets almost no time for them during the week. Since he goes to school all day and then is in after school care for 2 hours and then it takes us an hour to pick up bren and finally get home, and then by the time he eats, takes a bath, and does his homework, it's time for bed. So, we pretty let him totally slack off on the weekends. He gets up on Saturday and watches about 2 hours of cartoons, then he just runs around the house goofing off and playing outside, then we have lunch and then he gets to play Wii and/or Nintendo DS while Bren naps. It's his favorite day of the week, to say the least.

Shifting Control of our Image

2009-09-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

I just listened online to the 3rd lesson of the Gracepath study at HCBC this Fall. The lesson is on shifting control of our image over to God, and I experienced a pretty significant epiphany as a result of this lesson.

I have gained a lot of weight since having my 2nd child. There are lots of reasons - broke my foot and was immobile for a few months, working mom syndrome of too busy and feel too guilty to take time out for myself to exercise, etc. Well, a few months ago, I got really determined to finally do something about it...and I failed miserably - ended up gaining 15 more lbs. I was so frustrated because I lost about 60 lbs when I was 19 and did it in about 5 months, so I started to beat myself up for not meeting that standard. I would start out and say to myself, "if you can't stick to this diet and exercise plan, then you're a failure, you're worthless and you might as well just gain 100 lbs. and be done with it." So, when I would eat one thing off the plan, that was it...I had failed and I might as well just give up. So, I've been on this roller coaster for several months until a few weeks ago. God has been working overtime on me in several areas, one of those being my problem with codependency. Well, as a result of the healing I've experienced from dealing with that, I've learned to value and love myself as God loves me, so I can no longer beat myself up like that - I understand that it's really an offense to God when I treat myself that way. So, as a result of this change in perception, I've been taking better care of my body without even thinking about it...I've been wanting to eat the best food I can and to move my body and get my body working the way that God designed it to - I even started to spend the time on getting chiropractic care again and spend money on supplements I need to get healthy.

I've been doing this but still have been harboring this need to appear a certain way to people...I've still had this disgust with the way I look, and it's been so confusing because I do value myself and I am now taking care of myself, so why should I still hate what I see in the mirror?

Well, I realized after this lesson today that what I'm hating is the image that others are seeing...deep down, I'm concerned that they're looking at me and thinking, "oh she must have no self control to have let herself go like that." And I have this raging need to explain myself to people and be sure they understand that I gained weight because I broke my foot and couldn't move for 5 months and that I've not been able to lose it because I'm a working mom and my husband works nights and I have no time to exercise, and we can't afford to spend money on the healthiest foods and don't have time to cook, etc. etc. I'm trying desperately to control what people think of me when they look at me and see a fat woman. And then, of course, I can't control what people think, so when I look in the mirror, I am subconsiously blaming myself for not being able to control what they think of me...after all, if I weren't so fat, I wouldn't have to control what they think...they would think good things about me if I were thin and fit. (Hmmm....maybe that codependency thing isn't conquered after all.)

Wow, so now what do i do with that realization? I give all of that over to God. I surrender control of what others think to Him.

I feel like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart....."Freeeeedom!"

what's going on...

2009-08-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

So life has been full of growth and excitement over the last 2 months. For one, Holloway started 1st grade! Wah! He's loving it and has adjusted well. I think we've started a new tradition of going night swimming on the night before the 1st day of school. I know that's kind of going against the grain of getting to bed extra early, but I think it was about 105 degrees on the day before school this year (no not exaggerating), and when we tried to play outside with the kids at 7:30pm, hoping that the temp would be bearable by that time, my husband said, "let's just go swimming!" So, we did! And it was awesome, so from now on, you can find us at the pool on the night before the first day of school, soaking up some moon rays.

About a month ago, Scott and I started doing something together that we've never done before in our lives...serving TOGETHER in ministry! We're leading discussion groups at the young adult gathering, and it's been pretty awesome so far. I know that, for me, I'm learning SO much about myself. I'm actually taking quite a beating to be honest...refining those selfish tendencies I have to talk too much about my own life rather than ask questions of others and build relationships based on knowing them rather than them wanting to know me. Examining what I can do better. Truly learning to live for others rather than live inside my own head. Being honest. It's not easy but it sure is good for me.

One fun thing about the last few weeks is that after our night before school swimming outing, we've been going to the pool a lot more and really enjoying it. We suspended our satellite service for the school year, so we're watching a lot less tv. We rented seasons one and two of Dexter and just finished those up last weekend...wow, great show. We're learning how to create margin in our lives by doing what's important, not just what we want to do. That means more time with our kids, more time doing God's work, more time worshipping Him, and a whole lot LESS stress.

Lastly, this is probably my favorite time of the year. The beginning of the school year always causes those little butterflies of anticipation to start fluttering around, making me feel wistful, eagerly antipating what's around the corner. For the first 5 years that we lived in TX, I was actually extremely depressed at this time of year because of the heat. I thought I would NEVER be able to accept a Fall season where the temp never drops below 85 (and lingers in the mid-90's most of the time). But as my body has acclimated, so has my soul. A cool Fall breeze is nice but isn't worth a hill of beans compared to the incredible community that God has blessed us with here in Austin. So rather than begrudge the fact that I can't wear cozy sweaters and rake up pretty leaves, I've decided to soak up the sun, as well as the joy we have from all that God has given us. Heck, maybe we'll even have a Halloween pool party!

Confetti and Epiphanies

2009-07-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

This week at our church is a big week - there are Back Yard Bible Clubs happening all over the city, our middle schoolers have been battling it out every day in Xtreme Adventure, and tomorrow night we get to have Summerfest and celebrate all of the awesome things God has done this week.

This morning, the church staff got an email from our exec. pastor encouraging us to come help clean up one of the auditoriums after about 500 kids had wrecked havoc there. There was even a promise of free pizza. When the exec. pastor encourages something and there's free food, I'm there. I wasn't exactly being motivated by the spirit of serving, but whatever the motivation, I was gonna go.

So, I get there a little late and my job is to cut confetti. We have a large paper cutter, and 2 of us get a rhythm going of her feeding the paper under the blade while I brought the blade down. It only took about 15 mins. for my back to start to hurt from the awkward position it was in, not to mention for my arms to ache and my feet to hurt. I kept going for a little longer, took a break, then went at it again. As I brought the blade down over and over again, I suddenly became filled with an overwhelming sense of thankfulness that I was standing there cutting paper with an aching body. A flood of thoughts and images filled my mind - I thought about how awesome it was that on a Thursday afternoon, I was in this church surrounded by excited students, cutting paper into confetti. I thought about what the alternatives might be. On a Thursday afternoon in another reality, I might be sitting at a desk in a job I hate, with a boss I hate, doing stuff I hate...all day long. Or maybe I would be sitting on my couch at home, jobless, wondering how I was going to feed my kids or pay my bills. Or I might be on a battlefield in the middle east, fearing for my life. Then my thoughts broadened to include my kids and my whole family. If we weren't a part of such an awesome church family, my kids wouldn't be hearing the Word of God and learning how much He loves us. My son wouldn't have prayed to receive Christ at his Back Yard Bible Club. We wouldn't have a safe place to heal from our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

Suddenly, I was extremely thankful for my sore back, aching arm, and tired feet. Suddenly, I felt the blessing of serving.

The Freedom of Letting Go

2009-06-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, Scott and I made a major adjustment in our marriage. He took over the finances. For the first 9 and a half years of our marriage, I had total control over this area. He came into the relationship having only lived with roommates and writing one check a month to cover everything, while I had been living independently and taking care of everything myself for quite a while. So, it was easy for me to just continue to do that, and I did. For 9 and a half years, I paid the bills and budgeted, and Scott just went along for the ride. Once we had a family, and I had to still work full-time, the burden of being the primary nurturer while still working full-time was too much to add to my already full plate. When we were all home, I was the one giving baths, cooking dinner, taking care of boo-boos, comforting, reading bedtime stories, etc. I was also the one managing our finances, paying the bills, grocery shopping, forecasting needs and figuring out how to meet those needs. And I had a full time job. So, I started to lose it. But I couldn't even imagine giving any of those things up. I honestly didn't think that it would be possible to transfer the knowledge I had about managing our budget over to Scott because I had been doing it for so long. But after the a bible study that I did at my church, God began to work on me in new ways, and I realized that I should, that I needed, to hand the finances over to Scott.

To be honest, the first month was hell. The frustration he felt at walking that line between being the budgeter but still accepting and trusting my input was a difficult transition for him. He began with the dictator approach. He would give me money for the week and wanted a detailed account of each penny spent. Hmmm....no, I said. I did understand that he needed to establish trust in my judgement so that when I told him that I would need $100 for groceries for the week, then he could feel secure in knowing that I would spend it wisely. One trip to the grocery store took care of that. When he saw how hard it was to fit the needs of a family of 4 into a $100 grocery budget, he not only trusted my judgement but learned that I erred on the side of not spending enough and not getting what we needed a lot of time, and we increased the grocery budget!

So, once trust was established on his end, then trust needed to be established on my end. Would he remember to pay the car payment on time? Would he lose bills or forget to pay them? It took a good 2 months of me checking the bank account every now and then to see if he had bills scheduled to be paid, but after seeing that he was taking this seriously and was keeping on top of it, I now had trust in him.

So, 6 months later, here we are, and how has this benefited our family? Well, Scott has taken the natural leadership role in our family that God intended, which has fulfilled him in ways that he didn't expect. He now has a voice in a our family and that has bled over into many other aspects of our lives and benefited us all. He now takes the initiative to start the nighttime baths for the kids instead of waiting for me to declare that it's bathtime. He now makes plans for our time together as a family. He now feels like he has a significant role in our family. And I have a huge burden off my shoulders! I can't tell you how awesome it is to not have to be constantly monitoring our spending and budgeting and trying to figure out how to pay for birthdays and Christmas....it's such a relief!! I can handle sticking to a budget, but having the responsibility of setting that budget for our whole family is not comfortable for me.

And a couple of weeks ago, I got to experience something that I haven't experienced since before we were married. A real date! Scott said to line up a babysitter because we had the money to go out. So I did, and we went to a movie, and I figured that would be it, but then he surprised me by asking me where I wanted to go eat! I started with the usual cheap places, and he said, "How about NXNW?" So, we get there, and I start to order the cheapest thing on the menu, and he says, "Get whatever you want. We have the money." It honestly had been 10 years since I had been "taken out." Wow. That alone was worth letting go of control over the finances!

Ahhh Motherhood

2009-05-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging in an attempt to ignore my 2-yr old daughter while she is throwing her first tantrum of the day. I am struggling to not giggle as she flops around on the floor like a fish, screeching like a wounded cheetah. This morning, I was encouraged when i heard her through the monitor saying "Mommy...Mommeeee...where are you?" rather than the cheetah screeching that she normally wakes up with. I thought, "wow, maybe she's out of this lovely phase." We made it through diaper changing with no meltdowns, even had a little tea party with Scaredy Cat and Giggle Baby, then she did fuss a bit when she had to wait for me to actually toast the toast, but nothing major. I was hoping we were off to a banner day in the Raulie household, but...alas...the screeching cheetah emerged when she decided that it was time to go outside and I told her that we have to wait until after the kitchen gets cleaned up. Thus began the 1st tantrum, approx. 37 mins. into our day. Sigh.

As the beast that we have spawned in the form of our daughter continues to reveal herself (really, we do love her...I promise), Holloway just seems to grow sweeter by the day. Of course, he has his moments of selfishness, whinyness, playing me with his pouty sad face pretending to suddenly have a tummy ache when I tell him that it's time to clean his room, etc. But his sweet heart, his reverence towards God's people and His word, just overwhelm me at times.

The other day, I God just spoke right through Holloway to comfort me. On the days that Bren goes to daycare, the screeching cheetah always comes out the moment I walk into the daycare to pick her up. Everyday it's the same thing..."she didn't make a peep all day." "I just don't know why she does this everytime you come in." "She's just a totally different child when you're not here." etc., etc. So, 3 days a week, we listen to the screeching cheetah for the entire 20 min. ride home. I've tried various things to subdue the cheetah. When I have a headache, I just feed the cheetah cookies, but I really am trying to not train the cheetah to expect cookies everytime she rears her ugly head. So, I've tried playing the music loudly to drown out the noise...fat chance. I've tried talking to her softly..."now Bren, just read this book and be sweet for mommy" only for the cheetah's behavior to escalate to chewing frantically on her car seat restraints and growling. One method I tried, in tears, in pure exasperation, was what every mother is guilty of and ashamed of...just plain old yelling. "HUSH!" "HUSH HUSH HUSH!" Of course this only caused the screeching to turn into hyperventilating growls and more gnawing on the seat restraints (perhaps I should try a straightjacket?). And my frustration, in turn, only got worse and caused me to just cry, at a loss at what to do. In the midst of this, Holloway's sweet voice piped up from behind me and said, "Mommy, it's okay. You know that she just wants you to hold her. She loves you and she will get better. It will be okay, Mommy. She'll grow up soon." Suddenly, my tears of frustration turned into tears of thankfulness that God blessed me with this sweet little boy. And then I rememembered that he once threw tantrums, maybe not at the level of the screeching cheetah, but still, I also wondered at times what we had brought into the world at the height of a full-on fit. And I remembered that yes, she will one day grow up, and I will suffer from the God-given amnesia of all of the trials of toddlerhood and will lament these days when she is all mine. My precious little girl.

Grandma

2009-05-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of my attempt at collecting memories of my grandmother to possibly one day publish. She has an extraordinary past, and I've always wanted to tell her story.

My stomach started to sink as the landscape turned from undeveloped farmland to paved roads, gas stations, and the local Big Chef at the first intersection. I would soon be at my grandmother's house with no air conditioning, weird food like tomatoes and pimento cheese, and no good tv shows.. Gene, my grandmother's second husband, was spending his retirement watching fishing shows, football, and the local news, and he got his exercise by jumping up and changing the channel anytime a black person came on the screen.

We turned a familiar corner and amidst rows of small non-distinct shotgun houses, stood my grandma's house. The embankment suddenly grew 6 feet, lined by a rickety wood fence, and at the top of where the ground stopped ascending, there was the house. It looked just like the haunted house at the beginning of the scooby-doo cartoon. Built in 1860, with very few renovations, the 3 story house with big columns and a the kitchen built onto the back, loomed over the neighborhood as the last remnant of days gone by. In civilized cultures, this house would be a treasure...a piece of history, reminding us of our roots and simpler times. But in Columbia, TN, there was no regard for such things. The white trash people didn't look twice at it while sitting on their porches drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. The Church of Christ folks cast judgement from their rocking chair thrones sipping iced tea. The local kids would dare each other to run up the driveway and throw rocks at the house, but not many did considering that the few times they tried, Gene would step out onto the porch with his rifle and 6ft. 4 hulking frame. One look at him sent even the most ornery brat screaming down the hill.

I knew my grandmother loved me, but I still wasn't quite sure how I felt about her. When we went to her house, I liked the way she took care of me. She would fuss over my hair, take me to Winn Dixie to pick out whatever kind of cereal I wanted. She'd always make peanut butter cookies and let me help her roll up the dough in little balls and then smash them with the tines of a fork dipped in sugar. We would feed her ducks and make mud pies at the cinderblock oven outside well stocked with sand, dirt, rocks, and little aluminun pie tins and empty margarine containers. And she'd take me out to do things like pick blackberries at a local farm and go swimming in a pond.

Those times were all fun, but there were other things that she did that I didn't like. Being a veteran of Weight Watchers, she was very conscious of how people looked. She was one of the first customers when they opened up their office in the early 1950's, and once she reached goal, she had worked for them at their weigh-ins ever since. I was, at best, a chubby kid. She would throw me off guard with double-sided comments like, "oh what a cute little fatty!" and I'd suddenly want the floor to open up and swallow me whole. When we were out in public, she would stare at overweight people and say to me, "see, you don't want to be lazy like that." She also talked about sin and Hell a lot and about how I needed to be sure and go to the right church so that I could go to Heaven. Her first husband, my mother's father, had gone to the right church, but he was surely in Hell for turning the shotgun on himself when he was facing backruptcy and had a wife and 9 mouths to feed. She would say that it didn't matter what you do, you might still go to Hell, but you might as well do the best you can to keep from ending up there and drinking, dancing, cursing, clapping in church or having an instrument in the sanctuary would certainly send you in the wrong direction when your time comes. I always thought it was weird that you can't dance or clap your hands, but you can call black people the N word and make fun of fat people and still get into Heaven.

Then there was the dark cloud of everything my mother had ever told me about my grandma. That she wouldn't let my mom go to school dances. That she wouldn't let her go to beauty school or nursing school because she said that hairdressers and nurses were whores. That she told my mother at age 9 that her grandparents went to Hell because they were Baptist. That she didn't like my dad and told her that her life would have been better if she had not married John Hansen. That when her father committed suicide, my grandma never told her that it wasn't her fault. The newspapers said that it was because he was going bankrupt and had a daughter bedridden with rheumatic fever. And my grandma never told her different.

de-stressing

2009-05-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

I just realized today how incredibly good it feels to have a few things in my life nailed down. Mainly 2 things have taken quite a load off of my shoulders.

First, knowing that Holloway is going to HCCSA next year brings so much peace of mind. Yesterday, I was driving past the public school that Holloway is zoned for and remembered when I took him to visit last Spring. He walked in bright-eyed and excited about kindergarten and walked out saying, "Mommy, I think I want to stay home." From the moment we walked in, we were greeted with grim faces and heavy sighs, and from there, I just couldn't believe how we were treated and how horribly depressing the place was. I know that not all public schools are like this, but it just so happens that the one my children are zoned for is; therefore, they will NOT go there. I hated school my entire life because of environments like this, and I can't even imagine what my life would have been like had I been in a positive, nurturing, and God-honoring learning environment. Knowing that Holloway is going to HCCSA, and that the year is paid for, has provided me with peace of mind, and I'm so thankful for that. That's one thing I don't have to worry about anymore.

Second, I love my job. I've always loved working for the church, but I never really loved the actual work when I was an administrative assistant. I didn't mind it because of the great work environment and great bosses and the fact that I'm passionate about ministry, but I certainly didn't love the day to day work of an administrative assistant. I'm not naturally administrative, but with an English degree, there aren't many options out in the workforce, and I was fortunate enough to land an awesome political job right out of college, but once I had Holloway, I couldn't be a mom and continue down the path of a politico. I just couldn't stomach the many nights and weekends away from my kids. So I learned how to be administrative so that I could get a job. I'm not a perfectionist, and I'm not type A, so being an administrative assistant was a bit of a struggle but I managed to learn the skills needed to be good at it. Now, over the last few months, I've found myself loving my work. When the task of launching a new residency program for emerging leaders came up, I felt extremely insecure. I was going into totally new territory, and I wasn't sure if I would succeed or not. I didn't even really understand what the heck we were doing. But as I began to work through each piece that was put on my plate, I started to put it all together and get the big picture of what we're doing. So, as my understanding grew, so did my confidence in my work, and then I woke up one day and realized that I really like what I am doing! I became genuinely excited about meetings and the work I that I'm doing. And I'm really excited about what's ahead...I'm not just striving to get a pat on the back and be labeled as "successful." When I work, I am just totally engaged with what I'm doing, as if I'm spending time on a hobby. It's really weird...I just didn't think that I would ever really love any work other than writing a book or being a tenured English professor. So, in addition the satisfaction that I have always felt from working for my church and knowing that I'm contributing in some way to carrying out the vision that I'm so passionate about, I now actually really love the job itself. It's pretty amazing how your quality of life suddenly goes way up when you are doing something that you love.

Now I just need a couple of weeks alone in Hawaii for my introverted soul to get recharged...someday....

Bren's B-Day Pictures

2009-05-08T12:23:00.001-07:00

We had a very nice, relaxed birthday at home for Bren. Balloons, a cake, and grandma and pawpaw made for a very happy Brenny Bren.

2 years ago at this time, I was recovering from a c-section and getting ready to begin my childcare business. I can't believe what all has happened over the last 2 years. Makes me wonder what's in store for us 2 years from now!

the end is near

2009-04-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am almost finished with the last book in the Twilight series, and I feel like I'm about to give up a limb.

For the last 5 weeks or so, I have had one of these 4 books within arms reach, 24 hours a day. I've been reading during lunch, before bed, in doctor office waiting rooms. If I had a few mins. in the kitchen while something cooked, I read. I read while the kids watch Noggin and play Wii or play outside. I'm trying really hard to make it last, to savor these last few moments with the Cullens and the Quilettes, but I know it will come to an end soon, and I really don't know what I will do with myself for a while.

But what I'm really wondering is, what did I do with all of this time before starting this stupid teenage book series?! I'm afraid to admit it, but I suspect that I just wandered around aimlessly, staring off into space, fretting over one thing or another. If that's what I did, what a waste of time! Now that I know that there is time in my day - there has to be to read 4 books, each between 500-800 pages long, in 5 weeks - then I now also know that there is time to fit in things that are good for my mind, body, and soul. Endless worry doesn't fall into any of those categories.

But I do say that reading brain candy like Twilight does fall into the mind and body category because I have so enjoyed these books, and I would suspect that occupying my mind by esaping to a fantasy land where you can be a vegetarian vampire and have super powers has provided me with a very good outlet for stress and I would bet that my blood pressure is quite a bit lower after a couple of hours of reading.

Easter and Golf

2009-04-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Belated Praises

2009-03-30T12:36:00.001-07:00

I hate to admit it, but I've been totally sucked into the Twilight mania, albeit 2 years late for it to be hip, but from what I hear, I'm right in line with most other 30-something year old moms who are also reading it...which is actually simply more evidence of not being hip.

Okay, so I've let these books dominate my life for the past 2 or 3 weeks now, and I haven't had time to update my blog with the AMAZING things God has been doing in our lives.

First, we recently experienced something that you only hear about on tv...I've never even known anyone in person who such a thing has happened to. The week before Spring Break, we discovered that our last appeal for more financial assistance for Holloway to keep going to HCCSA was turned down. We were devastated. The school he's zoned for is not an option...I would quit my job and go bankrupt to homeschool him before sending him there. I thought that transferring to another school district or at least another school within our district would be possible, but when I checked into it, I learned that all of the schools that are decent have a moratorium on transfers. But one huge problem we faced regardless of which public school he went to is that we can't afford after-school care. Since I'm on staff at HCBC and Holloway is a student at HCCSA, we get free after-school care. If he goes to public school, we'd have to pay for it, which is about $400 a month, which coincidentally, is the monthly cost of tuition, so if we were going to have to pay $400 a month for anything, it would be tuition, but of course, the problem is that there's no $400 a month either way. Sigh...so we were at a dead end and just could not forsee a way out.

In walks God, as always, to save the day. On the Sat. before Spring Break, at 11am, there was a knock on the door. Scott and I both debated whether or not to even answer it...we're not too excited about the types of unexpected visitors we get...salespeople...so sometimes we don't. But Scott got up to answer it anyway, and it was a UPS man. I saw that the delivery was a flat envelope and immediately thought, "what...are we getting sued now?" It could only be more bad news with the way things had been going.

Turns out it was an anonymous check for the balance of Holloway's tuition! There was a note with it, handwritten, that said, "Someone above is watching over your family."

"But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah" Psalm 3:3-4

Interview with a 6-yr-old

2009-03-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

This was so much fun - I got lots of answers that I did not expect.

Q: What is something mom always says to you?
A: Don't leave your bakugans out

Q: What makes mom happy?
A: Going to your favorite pancake store, cafe java

Q: What makes mom sad?
A: When I disobey you

Q: How does your mom make you laugh?
A: Daddy's the silly one...i don't know

Q: What was your mom like as a child?
A: kind of looked like Bren

Q: How old is your mom?
A: 33

Q: How tall is your mom?
A: 12 feet tall

Q: What is her favorite thing to do?
A: drink coffee

Q: What does your mom do when you're not around?
A: play with Bren

Q: If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
A: Bowling

Q: What is your mom really good at?
A: exercise

Q: What is your mom not very good at?
A: maybe golf

Q: What does your mom do for her job?
A: write stories

Q: What is your mom's favorite food?
A: pizza

Q: What makes you proud of your mom?
A: i'm proud of you for trying to keep my room clean

Q: If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
A: not Princess Peach because she's not real

Q: What do you and your mom do together?
A: play outside

Q: How are you and your mom the same?
A: we both like to eat cereal

Q: How are you and your mom different?
A: i love animal crackers...but...do you like animal crackers? Okay, well, you like animal crackers and I love animal crackers

Q: How do you know your mom loves you?
A: you hug me

Q: Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
A: starbucks coffee

Holloway's world

2009-03-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

Holloway (after losing a round of War): Oh, that makes my heart break.

Mommy: Where did you hear that phrase from? Julia or Morgan?

Holloway: I just made it up!

Mommy: Well, who has said that before?

Holloway: I guess Julia.

Mommy: She's very dramatic.

Holloway: No, she's just flexible.

Back to Normal...almost

2009-02-28T19:08:00.001-08:00

So, we're learning to live with the uncertainty of Scott's employment on a day to day basis, and today was the first semi-normal day we've had in a about 2 weeks. Again, it all started with that car wreck, and it's so strange to me how nothing that was a direct result of the car wreck is having lasting consequences...no one was seriously hurt, we have uninsured motorist coverage so the van is getting fixed...but ever since then, we've had so many serious things happen that are altering our lives in big ways - Holloway's OT and PT diagnosis, the school problem, the job problem...all are major things that are changing our lives, and they all happened within one week. It's all just so overwhelming.

When I started to feel kind of normal again today, it was quite a relief. We went to Holloway's basketball game, came home and hung out, played Wii, had lunch, and played more Wii until Scott had to go to work, then the evening with the kids was spent doing simple family things - cleaned up, watched a movie together, did a little shopping, etc. It was so nice to just go about our day. Though the decision that we have to make about his school is still looming, and of course Scott could come home anyday unemployed, I didn't let those things tie me up in such a knot of anxiety that I couldn't function normally. So, I think I'm learning to live with all of this uncertainty in a much more healthy way, and I'm really glad about that.

Yesterday, a friend at work described what we're going through perfectly. She said, "there's nothing like having your feet planted firmly in the air." Indeed.

Update...

2009-02-26T14:48:00.000-08:00

So, no news is good news right? Well, let's hope. The manager was honest with everyone and said that he knows nothing...nothing about who will be laid off or when it will happen...he could get the call a few days from now, a few weeks from now, or even 6 months from now.

So, there's nothing we can do, and I'm just letting it go. A friend advised me to just take it day to day and operate within the status quo for that day based on what we know to be true at that moment. Sounds like that's all we can do!

The Waiting Game

2009-02-26T09:54:00.000-08:00

So, today is, possibly was, supposed to be the day that we get the verdict on Scott's job. They have a meeting every Thursday morning, and it was supposed to be announced today, but no announcement. I'm certainly hoping that we hear one way or the other by the end of the day because waiting is torture. If we need to plan for financial armeggedon, then I wanna know about it now, not a week from now.

A week in the life...

2009-02-22T05:34:00.000-08:00

Well, what a week it has been and I'm glad to see it go. Started off with a bang, literally, with the wreck that I wrote about previously. Then some really unexpected news from Holloway's OT evaluation - not necessarily bad, just very unexpected. Turns out he has a below normal level of muscle tone, something that you are born with so you can't increase it, and that's why he's always struggled with pedaling, swinging, jumping, etc. He also has delayed processing when it comes to movement -ex. most kids see a swing and jump on and start swinging without thinking about it. He stops and has to think through each movement. So, they are recommending physical therapy to strength the muscle tone that he does have and occupational therapy to help him with his food aversions and his fears of getting his hands dirty, getting water in his face (refuses to go swimming because of this), and a few others.

So, as we were processing all that, a big bomb fell...we got the notice on how much tuition assistance for Holloway's school will be for next year. Yikes. Last year, we had to pay $1200. This year, that has jumped to $4800. This is really devastating. We knew that we would have to pay more because of some budget problems the school has, but that much more?! Sigh. So, we're looking into everything from private scholarships to selling our house so that we can move into a better public school district. The school he's zoned for is awful and I wouldn't send my dog there, so that's just not an option. The sad thing is that it was brand new when we bought our house and moved in, so we assumed that would be a good thing...nope. After 2 years, it's considered the worst school in the district and parents are clamoring to get their kids out of there. So, I don't know where this will end up, and I'm just praying it ends up with Holloway being able to continue to go to HCCSA for at least one more year.

So moving on to the rest of the week...on Tuesday, I got pink eye for the first time in my life! Then passed I it on to Scott, then I got it in the other eye, and then I got a really bad cold to top it off. So, I've basically been half blind and sick as a dog for the last 5 days.

And then the cherry on top...Scott heard that Best Buy is starting to lay off people in his district. Actually, that helped put all of the other stuff in perspective. No matter what happens with the school, the wreck, being sick, the therapy, ect., at least we can still pay our mortgage and our bills. Please, God, let that continue.

Goodbye, week from the depths of Hades...

Friday the 13th, Indeed

2009-02-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I officially believe in the curse of Friday the 13th now. I was almost home when I was involved in a 4 car collision and the person at fault has no insurance. Bren was with me and thankfully we were not hurt (seriously at least - it did throw my back out) but it scared her to death - 2 cars hit us on her side. So, now I have a damaged vehicle and can't afford our own insurance deductible to get it fixed. But it does still run, so that's good news. While that was happening, Scott was being pulled over for a tail light that was out, and the insurance card he has is a new one with the effective date of 2-18-09, and even though the cop looked it up and saw that we are covered right now, he still gave Scott a ticket just because he wanted to be a jerk.

Next Friday the 13th, I'm not leaving my house, or answering the phone, or turning on the stove, or running any other major appliances. I will veg out on the couch, order pizza, not answer the phone or the door (unless for said pizza guy), and watch tv and hope for the best!

the 2nd week letdown

2009-02-13T04:56:00.000-08:00

It's my second weigh-in and I am experiencing the 2nd week phenomenon of losing significantly less - just 1 pound. But, hey, it's 1 pound, and since I just started exercising this week and only got 2 workouts in before weighing in, then I'm happy. Plus, I did have more sugar that I should have...people at work keep baking stuff and leaving it out in the kitchen and my office is right next to the kitchen...sigh.

So, I'm at a total of 6 pounds now! And I think it has all come from my stomach, thank God!! My pants fit much more comfortably.

I remember back from my time at Weight Watchers that they would literally hold up 4 sticks of butter as a visual for how much a pound is...it's a good reminder that a pound isn't anything to scoff at.

So, my goals for this week are to not eat as many sweets no matter what is left in the kitchen and to workout 4 times. The working out at night routine is shaping up (no pun intended) to be a good option...we have dinner, get the kids bathed and put to bed, then instead of watching tv for 2 hours (well, except for last night...had to take advantage of Holloway being at his grandparents for the night) I go to the Y and then still have some time on the couch with Scott before bed. I have to admit that the best thing about it is just getting out of the house and doing something entirely for myself.

Progress!

2009-02-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to get serious about getting back down to the size I'm comfortable in, but since then, I haven't wanted to weigh to check progress. I was afraid that if I didn't see the results I wanted I would be discouraged and just give-up (have done this before - that's why I'm no longer a size 10!). But I figured that 2 weeks is long enough to wait, and clothes feel looser, so....drum roll please...I've lost 5 pounds! Yay! Considering that I still haven't been exercising regularly and this is just from eating less, I'm pretty excited. We're joining the Y today!

Pigtails!!

2009-02-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited that Bren's hair is long enough for pigtails!

A Classic Monday...

2009-02-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday was a text-book case of a classic Monday. I woke up late, of course, and spent about 20 mins. trying to coax Holloway out of his warm bed. After several rounds of "I hate getting up!" and "My legs/tummy/feet/ankles/hands hurt and I can't go to school," I finally got him out of bed in time to get dressed and brush his teeth...breakfast would have to be eaten in the car. We get in the van, all settled in, my mountain of stuff that I have to carry loaded up. I start to pull out and quickly discover that something is wrong. A completely flat tire...flat as a pancake. So, I pull back in, thankful that this wasn't a morning where I also had to take Bren somewhere, and quickly regrouped. It was one of Scott's weekdays off (hence me not having to take Bren anywhere), so I decided to take his car. I explain everything to Holloway, grab my stuff and throw it all in Scott's car, rushing Holloway to do the same (we were already running late, after all). I get in and think, okay, this will work, this is good. I pull out, get to the end of the alley behind our street, and Holloway is still having trouble with his seatbelt, so I get out and help him with it. I get back in and the car won't shift out of park. I start to freak a little inside since I've got 2 cars behind me, but I just chill out, breathe, jiggle the gearshift a little, then a lot, and I finally get it to go. Then I notice that there's no gas in the car. Sigh. Okay, so we're going to be late, no big deal. I stop to get gas and we're on our way. As I pull into the carpool line to drop Holloway off, I notice that I don't have my laptop. Must have left it in the van during the vehicle transfer. Sigh. Okay, it's a Monday for sure. So, I have to drive all the way back to Pflugerville to get my stupid laptop out of the van and then all the way back to HCBC.

Upside is that I decided that the only thing to cure a morning like that is a latte, so I treated myself with zero guilt. Then during lunch, I had a doctor's appt. over in the Spicewood Springs/360 area, so on the way back to work, I took the scenic route over Bull Creek and through Old Spicewood Springs Road...what a beautiful part of Austin. So, my soul was renewed by some nature and the rest of the day was great.

Young and stupid (revised)

2009-01-27T09:19:00.000-08:00

So, through a series of coincidences, I realized a need to address my mother's suicide and started going to Griefshare. The first class really opened up a can of worms and I began to process a bunch of stuff that needed to be resolved. I was really looking forward to getting this done in a Christ-centered way and closing that chapter of my life in a healthy way. Then, Scott's schedule suddenly got turned upside down, and he's now going to be working on Wed. nights and I won't be able to go anymore. Okay. So, no more of that. Guess that wasn't what I'm supposed to be doing, but I still think it was good for me, so I'm thoroughly confused.

But really, I'm confused about a lot of things. I'm confused as to why many things that seem God-honoring don't happen. Through scripture, the Bible tells us that if you strive and work towards things that are God-honoring, then you will be blessed. I guess I was wrong in thinking that meant that the God-honoring things you were working towards would actually happen or come to fruition. I've learned that "blessings," many times, come in the form of very difficult and painful life lessons that result in breaking us to the point that we submit even more to our Father's will. That submission allows us to feel that indescribable sense of peace that can only be given by God. That is the blessing. And that is one of the hardest things for our weak little human brains to understand about God.

I was recently on the verge of losing faith. It started because I took stock of some things and just got completely frustrated. One of the things that frustrated me is that I just couldn't wrap my brain around why in the world God doesn't want me to be a full-time mother to my kids and a full-time wife to my husband. I have been praying for this EVERY DAY for 6 years. 6 years. Every day. Why in the world would God NOT want this for us? There were several other similar situatons going on at the same time, and the frustrations mounted. I started thinking about all of the crappy things that not only have happened to me, but to people I know and love who I know are good people. To kids...why in the world to horrible things happen to kids?

During this recent emotional slump, I saw an episode of South Park where a family sat around a table and said a prayer, "thank you God for this food and we love you even though you really get off on watching us suffer." I watch a lot of shows that regularly blasphemy against God and Christianity, and I have a lot of friends who aren't believers. My faith is challenged often, and I don't easily sway. But for some reason, this stupid show suddenly made me feel like a fool. That one scene stuck in a my head, and festered there, causing doubt. I began to feel so betrayed by faithfully believing that if I just prayed every day and worked towards this goal that it would happen. I began to ask myself questions that I haven't even thought of in years. If such a God exists, why would I want any part of following a God who not only allows awful things to happen, but actually causes them to happen and to happen to good people. I went to bed, scared by the thoughts that were racing through my head.

The next day, I honestly didn't want to think about it, but occassionally, those thoughts would creep back in and I had an aching in my stomach because I started to truly question everything that I believe to be reality.

That evening, Holloway asked to play Wii but it was his bedtime. He has a bedtime on school nights because I know how awful he will feel if he doesn't get enough sleep. He can't forsee this though because he's 6 years old. I'm his mother, and I know better. He will often beg me to stay up late and even goes to bed crying if there's some reason why he really wants to stay up, like playing Wii. Since I know better, I often have to make hard decisions that cause him some emotional anguish. He doesn't understand why because he's just too young, but he will someday. Someday, when he's a father, he'll do the same thing to his own kids.

So, all I can do is trust. There is infallible proof of God's existence and that Jesus is His one and only son. Believing anything other than that would be stupid. So, when I lose hope and start questioning why, I have to trust that for some reason, I'm not supposed to be a stay-at-home mom. There's something out there that I can't see, something that only my Father can understand, and I have trust in the decisions He's making for me. I still can't explain the kids thing though. I just don't get it. I can't imagine that God would purposefully allow a kid to suffer and die just to teach his parents a lesson, so there's got to be another reason, a reason that I'm just too young and stupid to understand.

Dreams of a 6-yr-old

2009-01-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

Holloway told me this morning that he dreamed that he, Elias, and Calloway were penguins and were playing Wii and that even though the Grumpers put signs up telling them they were bad, they still had fun.

"Grumpers" are some recurring characters in his dreams. From what Holloway has told me, they are bad guys who boo at him while he's playing Wii in his dreams. He said it's like in bowling when you get booed if you don't play well. I asked him what they look like and he said they look like Wii characters with mean faces.

He really doesn't like these guys, and it makes me sad that he's dreaming about them, but at least he's not dreaming about getting chased by an axe murderer or some horrible monster. Everytime he talks about them, I tell him to just those Grumpers to go away. He always says that he does tell them to go away, but they don't listen. So, I told him to just ignore them, and he said okay.

Big huge issue number 57 to solve for the year...

2009-01-18T06:39:00.000-08:00

So, amoung everything else, my weight has been preying on my mind way more than usual. Guess God just wants me to knock everything out at once. Might as well!

Holloway is doing sports at the YMCA, and when I checked in joining years ago, it was around 120 for a family membership, so I haven't checked into it again. Well, while we were at Hol's basketball game (he scored 2 baskets!!) yesterday, Scott asked about it, and because I work at the church, membership for our whole family would only be $56 a month!!!! Okay, so there's absolutely NO excuse to not work out. I'll have to go once the kids are in bed at 8 which doesn't sound appealing, but what do I usually do from 8 until I go to bed? I sit on my hiney and watch tv and that's it. I do nothing else for those 2 hours. So, going to work-out really won't be that much of a sacrifice.

So, I've been using this blog more for myself - to process information through writing, and I haven't held back on being transparent and admitting really awful things about myself. But one thing I will not put in writing is my weight!! That's where I draw the line, dammit! :) Maybe I'll post sizes though. My goal size is 10.

So, I will just post lossess and # of times I've excerised for the week or something like that...just to capture the progress (or lack of depending on how all of this goes).

I will give a little background on my history with battling weight problems. I was a fat kid, thinned out during jr. high but still chubby, got really fat again (still 10lbs less than I am right now, sigh) at 17, lost close to 60lbs at age 19 by starvation, compulsive exercise and smoking (yes, I was a smoker for 9 years - age 16-25) like a chimney to curb my appetite. I stayed that weight for a good number of years, gained about 40 of it back when I quit smoking (yay for healthy lungs, boo for fat belly) then lost it again after my mother's death (not really trying) and kept that off until I got pregnant with Holloway. I got back to a decent weight after Holloway was born but sllloowwlllyy started gaining again with the stress of life circumstances, and ended up heavy again by the time I was pregnant with Bren and it's never changed.

So, while I'm tackling all of this other stuff, it looks like God wants me to do this too - I've just been plagued with feeling disgusted with myself and being really angry with myself for letting this happen and feeling old and ugly....and I don't want to feel like that anymore. Plus, I want to look amazing when I'm 50 and get to take a sabbatical to Hawaii once Bren leaves for college. :)

I have a new daughter!

2009-01-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

I do! I got her a couple of weeks ago. She still looks like Bren - she inhabits the same body at least - but she's a completely different person, and I really like her! She's fun to be with, she's playful, she smiles all of the time, she's OBEDIANT, she eats her vegetables...I really really like her!

Scott says it's like we went out and bought a toddler toy to play with. She's just exactly what you would want if you were picking out a toddler.

Last night at the end of Bush's farewell speech, she said "Bye!" really loud and emphatically and said it over and over again and waved at the tv. These kids know way more than we think they do!

griefshare - class 1

2009-01-15T09:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I was impacted a bit more than I anticipated last night. It's funny, I thought that I would end up just sitting there, listening to other people but not really feeling anything about my own experience. Wrong!

At first, I really felt out of place. Most of the people had experienced their loss in the last year, except one guy whose loss was in 2003. Then a family who I knew had experienced a terrible loss just recently walked in and I felt so ashamed. I thought, "how dare I be here when I haven't even thought about this in years and my day to day life is fine (or so I think). they just lost a child 8 weeks ago!" But I didn't leave, and I'm glad I didn't. As things progressed, a number of things hit me at once.

First, this is the first time I have allowed myself to really think about this since about 2 weeks after my mother committed suicide. When anyone asks about my parents as they're getting to know me, I just tell them facts, they offer condolences and then I change the subject. And that's the extent of thinking or talking or even acknowleding the experience since about 2 weeks after it happened.

So, here's the full story of the events. A story I don't think I have ever told anyone in its entirety. Mainly because I'm ashamed. I could have changed the circumstances surrounding what led up to her suicide, and I didn't, and I have to live with that.

It happened the Monday after Thanksgiving (and 2 days after my birthday). I shouldn't put that in parenthesis because my birthday is part of the reason why it happened.

My mother had been in and out of the hospital for several years with heart problems and depression. After 2 open heart surgeries and several stint procedures, we had learned that anytime she was in the hospital, the heart medications mixed badly with her anti-depressants and she became psychotic. We always told the hospital staff this but they never listened, and they would always mess up her medications, and she would be standing on the bed screaming and pulling her iv's out within a couple of days.

She had a stint procedure the Monday before Thanksgiving, and because she had had so many of these, it always got worse with each one and the recovery and madness were prolonged each time. She had also been hospitalized for depression many times. She basically lived in complete misery, every day, for most of the time that I knew her. My Dad had become completely desensitized. He checked out mentally and emotionally about 10 years prior. My siblings and I were also somewhat desensitized, but not quite as bad as he was. We all knew that she might one day kill herself (her father had done so when she was 9) and she and my dad both warned us that she might do it one day. Here's the really awful and depraved part of it...we all secretly believed at times that she and all of us would be better off if she did. It would be horrible, but her pain would be gone and our burden would be lifted. In retrospect, I think my Dad may have, or maybe even most likely, planted and cultivated that thought in our heads - maybe to prepare us for what he thought was inevitable? Who knows.

My birthday was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and in her psychosis, my mother demanded to go home from the hospital for my birthday. I wasn't even living at home, I had my own place near campus and wasn't at the hospital when she demanded to go home. But my dad was and he didn't object even though she definitley should not have been released. She was completely insane and needed a few more days to get her meds stable. But he didn't care...he just did what she wanted.

So, she ended up home on Friday, and none of us (siblings and I) knew this until we went to the hospital to see her Friday evening and she was gone. So, she was home but it was bad. My siblings and I were there off and on and we assumed my Dad would take care of her medications, etc. On Monday, she called me and said that Dad had gone to work (still angry at him for leaving her alone so soon) and that she couldn't remember what medicine to take and that she wanted to go back to the hospital. She said that she had called her doctor but because of insurance, etc., they couldn't readmit her unless it was a problem resulting from the stint procedure. This was around 11am on Monday. I had a class at 2pm and lived an hour away from my parents. I had missed all of my absenses and the professor was hard and had threatened to delay graduation for anyone who missed more than the allowed amount. So, I knew I had to go to class and I told my mom that I would come and help her out right after it was over. Then I had a thought - she had a history of in-patient hospitalization because of depression, so I suggested that maybe she could get readmitted for that and then she could get stabilized on her medications. She was crying at this point and just said, "okay, maybe" but I could tell she didn't want to do that. I explained that it would just be the excuse to get insurance to let her in. She was crying and didn't really say anything. We hung up and the plan was for me to come over after class. A quick snapshot of suicide quickly raced through my mind, but I dismissed it. I told myself that she had never actually followed through with it before, so she wouldn't now, and I had to go to class.

Mid-way through the class, someone from the office came to get me with a note saying to call my brother. I immediatley suspected the worst but didn't give in to that. I got up, made the call, and my brother said that I just needed to come to his place and he would tell me what was going on. I knew right then what was happening. I knew she had killed herself. I even knew how - there was a gun in the house, and I just knew that she had shot herself because that's how her father had done it.

Immediately the "what if's" started up. If I had only not been so selfish and just missed class to go and be with her and help her get things straightened out. If only I had not been desensitized and had fought harder for her - pushed my Dad harder to take better care of her, fought the hospital to listen to us. And what if I had never suggested that she try to get admitted to the hospital for depression? Is that what drove her to the edge?

I had to just jump right back into life just a week latere because I was graduating from college and had to take exams. I took that opportunity to avoid grieving and just numb the pain with whatever was available until it got buried enough that I could keep it from rearing it's ugly head. The only other time I have ever considered addressing it is when Tim suggested I do so, and he gave me a book to read to start the process. I couldn't get through the first page. The pain that welled up was so overwhelming and I decided that I didn't have time for it. I was too busy to deal with it. I didn't remember that moment until last night when that same exact pain started to come up during griefshare and I panicked a little bit. I almost left. But I knew that that's the whole reason I was there. So, I stayed and really tried to not let that pain completely take over. I know I need to address it, but I also have to function in day to day life.

As the night progressed, I started to recall SO MANY things that I had completely forgotten. We got into small groups at one point, and I couldn't talk because I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would completely lose it. I was able to get it together enough to comment on others' stories, but not my own, no way.

I woke up this morning and felt silly for even going. I thought, "I don't need this, there's no reason to dig all of this up." But God keeps telling me that I do need it, so I'll keep going. And I'll keep writing because I think that's the only way I'll get it all out.

Being pushed

2009-01-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

God is really working me over these days. For the last few months, I've been in sort of a pattern and routine, but in a good way. I've really been learning and growing spiritually through a number of things - Tim's last 2 sermon series, navigating through challenges at work, relationships, etc. It's been really good, but through this, it didn't occur to me that God might be preparing me for something.

A couple of weeks ago, I started itching for something more. With it being the new year, I figured that it must just be the usual anticipation of what could come in 2009. But I think God has something big in store for us this year because he has been prompting me to do things that I would have never considered a few months ago. I think the most significant thing, the overarching result of all of this, is that he is challenging me to step out in faith and consider things that I normally would completely write off (I'm thinking of going to China for goodness sake!) because I would say that we don't have the money or we just can't do that with 2 young kids. Over the last year, God has shown me, demonstrated to me, that we often cannot at all foresee what He has in store for us and that everything we know to be constants in our lives can be turned upside down in a moment's notice.

One of the things He has prompted me to do through a strange series of coincidences is to go to Griefshare and begin to deal with all of the things that I buried way deep down after my mother's suicide. To even write that one sentence is huge for me. I wrote the experience off long ago as something that I did not ever need to even think about again. In my determination to not allow my life to be overshadowed by that event, I think I shot myself in the foot by just going numb and not allowing myself to grieve. Because whether you want it to or not, something like that is going to affect you. I've finally begun to recognize that. So, cerebrally, I can face that. I can say, yes, I need to process it, I need to do this right. But honestly, I can't even begin to imagine actually doing it. I can't begin to imagine how anything could make a difference after 8 years. The first class is tomorrow night, so we'll see where that takes me.

The Queen of Strep

2009-01-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

I have strep throat for the 3rd time in 2 months. Of course when I went to the doctor, I asked WTF, but in much more polite terms. He said that I am most likely a "strep carrier" the majority of which are women over 30 (I still haven't gotten over being in the "over 30" category yet). I asked what that means and he said it just means that if the strep bug is going around, I will certainly get it. Yippee. He said that if I get another reoccurrence this season that he will refer me to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to talk about a possible tonsilectomy. He did warn me that this surgery is not as easy on adults as it is on kids. He said it's very painful and complicated. More good news! But I think I would rather tackle that obstacle than get strep throat over and over again for the rest of my life. All in all, it's really no big deal, I'm just frustrated.

Miracles

2009-01-05T08:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, we're only on Jan. 5th, and already, 2 of the things on my 2009 Prayers and Petitions list are coming to fruition. One is that on New Year's Day, Scott unexpectedly got a $900 bonus providing us with at least a start to paying for Holloway's tuition. Woo-Hoo! The first hurdle in that journey was to come up with $700 by Feb. 20th, which seemed like an impossible task, but here it is, laid right before us...amazing! Second is that Bren's behavior has dramatically improved over the last few days. She went from being a constant struggle to deal with to being a fun, sweet, and OBEDIANT little girl. We'll see what happens now that I'm back at work, but just having a few days to enjoy her was great.

So, thank you GOD!!!

Conflicted

2009-01-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the first day back on our work/school schedule, and I'm just overwhelmed by so many conflicting emotions. Sometimes I wonder if I'm schizophrenic because I am fairly social and sometimes really crave the company of others, but there's this part of me that wants to live like a hobbit, completely isolated from other people, just holed up in a cozy room reading books with my only worry being what I will have for my second breakfast. Of course this isn't even possible - I have children whom I love and whom depend on me to provide for them, so I have to get out and work to provide shelter for them, socialize and interact within a community in order to provide them with a balanced existence, and so on. As much as I know that getting up in the morning and doing everything that I need to do will make me feel better, I still am dreading it. I'm dreading the alarm going off, I'm dreading getting 2 kids plus myself ready for the day, I'm dreading getting out in the cold and rain and driving everyone where they need to go. I'm dreading spending the day in an office when I have a 20 month old baby who wants, and needs, for her mommy to be her primary caregiver. I'm dreading not being able to pick my son up from school and him having to stay 2 hours longer because I'm working.

Okay, so that fact is that I'm dreading a lot of things because my life isn't what I would like it to be. But whose is? Why should I be complaining when at least I have a job that allows us to pay our bills and have health insurance, and it's not just a J-O-B, it's something that I really enjoy, working for my church which I am passionate about, mostly doing stuff that I actually enjoy. So, when I get on the self-pity wagon, I do something cathartic like writing and God gently reminds me of the blessings in my life - we actually still have a home and jobs, our kids are healthy and have made us better people, but most of all, that I was not created as an object for everything else to revolve around. I was created to serve Him, and that's it. That's all this life is supposed to be about. So no matter how much I don't want to get out of bed, no matter how yucky the weather is or how fussy my children are, my daily purpose is to be an instrument for God to use to reach people, and none of the other stuff matters. Of course, I'm human and full of depravation; therefore, these thoughts will never completely fulfill the selfish desires of my heart, but I'm hoping that at least the reminder of what we're really here for will help the image of God that lives within me to reign over the rest of my body and keep me in line.

Anytime I get back into a self-absorbed pitiful state, I need to remember to listen to the sermon Handwriting on the Wall. Tim talks about exactly this problem, and honestly, he gives everyone a good, and well deserved, kick in the pants. I listened to it for the second time yesterday, and I"m so thankful that God has made me recall it right now.

2009 Prayers and Petitions

2009-01-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

Rather than resolutions, a few years back, I started doing a list of "prayers and petitions" in accordance with God's command to present all requests to Him.

Some of these are new things based on what’s happened in 2008 and what we would like to see happen in 2009. Some of the things I’m praying for are things I pray for every year – either because they are important things for every year or because they are things that my heart is still yearning for.
1. I’m praying for God to help me do what is necessary to lose weight and get healthy including: exercise regularly despite my busy schedule and don’t overindulge in sweets and other bad foods that will only hinder my success. Just sticking to those 2 things for a whole year would probably make a huge difference.
2. A petition I’ve made every year since Holloway was born…please provide a way for me to be a full-time mom to my kids and wife to my husband. This year I need to add the caveat “that doesn’t involve taking care of other people’s children.”
3. For our financial situation to improve dramatically. Specifically for miracles to happen that will eliminate our debt and increase our income.
4. For us to receive the tuition assistance we need for Holloway to continue going to HCCSA.
5. For Holloway to continue to grow and develop into the boy that God wants him to be.
6. For Bren to quickly grow out of this difficult phase she is in, and for her to learn and grow and develop into the little girl God wants her to be this year.
7. Finally, for us to accept, with grace, all that comes our way and manage everything in a god-honoring manner.

Happy New Years!

Christmas 2008

2008-12-28T13:59:00.000-08:00

Christmas this year may have been more sparse than usual when it comes to the presents, but I'd say that we had one of our best years yet. We were all healthy (Holloway was so sick on Christmas morning last year!), the food was good, and after scouring Craigslist and going-out-of business sales, we were able to put together a pretty good spread under the tree. My proudest find was a Ryan's House with 4 rooms of furniture plus dolls from a resale shop. This stuff costs a fortune if you buy it new, so I was really thrilled to come across this. 2nd proudest find was a cozy coupe car for Bren from Craigslist. She saw the puppy under the tree, grabbed it, saw the car, got in it, and stayed there for at least 3o mins. She yelled at anyone who tried to come near her, fiercly protecting her precious puppy and car.

What was so special though was just the pure joy of Holloway throughout the day. He was just so happy and sweet all day long, that is, until about 30 mins before he finally went to bed. As the sugar coma wore off and exhaustion set in, his angelic behavior turned sour and we remedied the situation by quickly sending him off to bed.

All in all, it was a great day, as it should always be.

Christmas Eve Eve

2008-12-23T11:00:00.001-08:00

Christmas Eve Eve (the day before the day before Christmas) is probably my favorite day of the Holiday season. Most all of the errands have been run, the food has been bought, most of the baking and candy making is done, I'm off from work....this little pocket of time before the big day is like the calm before the storm (to use a very over-used cliche.) We can just put on Christmas music, watch Christmas movies, visit with friends and family, maybe do a little gift wrapping...there's no pressure and it's just relaxing and fun. So...

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

2008-12-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

With Bren in full toddlerhood, we decided not to attempt professional pics this year and just dressed them up and took pictures at church. After running after Bren for about an hour and clicking everytime she would stand still for a second, these are the best shots we got. Holloway was a great model, as usual.

Soul-Eating Anxiety

2008-12-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

Part of the human experience is that when God finds a chip in our iron that needs to be smoothed out, He has to put us back in the fire for a while.

When I am stressed out and worried about life situations, I can almost literally feel the anxiety eating me alive. Unleashed, it completely cripples my thinking, my doing,...my everything. I sit staring at my computer when I should be working, my mind paralyzed by the maze of decisions to make and options to consider. The sin taking place here is that I am not fully trusting in God and not turning all of the problems over to Him. This sounds crazy, but it's always as if I don't want to bother God with my problems, so I just try to take care of everything myself. God is now refining my character in this area.

As He does this, Phillipians 4:6-8 is almost constantly running through my mind:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

It is so comforting to be reminded of God's promise to fill our hearts and minds with a peace that we can never fully explain or understand. I picture his big arm around around my shoulders, pulling me to his side, telling me that everything will be okay, as I imagine a father would do.

Forever Falling Short

2008-12-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

Like most people, I sometimes find myself pointing my finger at others' shortcomings while at the same time being guilty of doing the very things that I'm criticizing.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who don't listen and just wait to talk. They sit there nodding their heads anxiously, just waiting for you to take a breath so that they can jump in and turn the conversation to focus on themselves. This just drives me nuts, and I've always believed that this behavior is revealing of a deeper, more serious, character flaw. I've permanently written many people off just for committing this one offense during a conversation.

Today, my boss and I were going over some outcomes of a residency that we are in the early stages of developing. The question to consider was "what do we want this person to be at the end of the residency?" One of the many items listed was "active listener." I thought, "Oh yes, that's essential because being an active listener reveals something much deeper about the person - it tells others that you are authentic, others-focused, etc."

Suddenly, something hit me. I may have been priding myself on being an "active listener" but I was only considering my behavior with friends in personal situations. I've always been the one that my friends feel comfortable coming to to talk through things, and that may be because I'm very aware of the importance of listening well and not just waiting to talk. Then, flashes of work-related conversations started going through my mind...conversations where I was nervous, afraid that I wasn't delivering what was expected, knowing that I was being judged and that that judgement could determine whether or not I have a job and can put food on the table. And in these flashes of conversations taking place between me and my bosses, I was not being an active listener. My nervousness and insecurities caused me to jump to conclusions and try to stop my boss from even finishing a thought if that thought at all might suggest something negative about me or the way that I was processing information or doing my job. I liken it to a survival instinct that will stop at nothing to preserve what I have.

Then I realized the irony in the fact that I was demonstrating this behavior during the most important of situations; situations where the last thing you want to do is screw up and show character flaws.

All of these thoughts were swirling around in my head while my boss and I were discussing what it means to be an active listener. I said, "you know, I really have a problem with this sometimes, and I need to do better at it." He thoughtfully said, "Well, you know there are a wide range of reasons why people aren't active listeners. It could be that they're afraid that the person they're talking to is expecting them to know more than they do so they want to show that person that they know it. It could just be a part of their wiring...it's something that can be learned."

Being wiser and more experienced, my boss most likely noticed this bad habit of mine long ago, and I'm very thankful that he showed more grace to me than I've shown to others. Based on what he said, obviously he understands that it could be a result of the worker/boss dynamic, and he doesn't seem to have faulted me for it.

His grace made me realize that maybe I need to step back and think about the people in my personal life who do this and consider that maybe something less sinister than a deep seated character flaw is causing their behavior...maybe it's insecurity, maybe they're nervous around me...maybe they sense the quick judgements that I often come to and don't want to be so easily written off.

Today's experience was a great example of how we are always and will always fall short of the unattainable perfection that we so often waste our energy striving for, and sadly, expect of others. Thanks for the reminder, Ed.

Feeding pets

2008-12-15T13:04:00.001-08:00

Bren's kitty outfit

2008-12-15T13:01:00.001-08:00

Look at that belly!

2008-12-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas presents

2008-12-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

Both Scott and I have always been at a loss as to why Holloway doesn't show any enthusiasm at all about the "getting presents" part of Christmas. The really weird thing is how much it has actually upset us at times. As kids, Scott and I both remember making list after list of the things we wanted for Christmas, the all-important tasks of writing letters to Santa and going to see Santa to be sure that he knew what we wanted, sitting around envisioning what Christmas morning would look like, and then, of course, when the big day finally arrived, we could barely sleep and would get up as early as our parents would allow on Christmas morning to see what was under the tree ...as materialistic and far removed from the real reason for Christmas as it is, the "getting presents" part of Christmas conjured warm fuzzy memories for us and we have always looked forward to seeing Holloway have that same excitement and awe over the magic of Christmas morning.

But Holloway has never cared that much about it. He's never been interested in making a list of toys or writing a letter to Santa much less going and sitting on the scary guy's lap and telling him what he wants. Then on Christmas morning, there's no rushing out of bed and running into the living room and begging us to get out of bed at the crack of dawn. In fact, last year, he woke up at his usual time and just played in his room for about 30 mins. before even coming out to see what was going on. He's actually always been indifferent to getting birthday presents too. All he talks about is the party and what friends are coming...he never even mentions wanting any gifts.

This unconventional attitude towards Christmas (for a kid, at least) and his birthday has always thrown me and Scott completely for a loop. I mean, it's freakin' Christmas morning and our kid could care less. Up until last year, we just assumed that he must not understand. He was just too young to understand what was going to happen on Christmas morning, so that's why he wasn't excited. But last year, he was 5 years old and still doing this, so there had to be another reason. We assumed the worst...we figured that we must have spoiled him so bad that getting presents just doesn't mean anything to him. We racked ourselves with guilt over having made him the center of the universe for so long that we destroyed the joy that he could be experiencing on Christmas morning.

So, we've been much more intentional for the last year of making sure that we don't make Holloway the center of the universe...not just so that he can appreciate presents at Christmas, of course, but just to shape his sweet little character into what God wants it to be. He's made a lot of improvements, and so have we. This year, when his birthday came around, though, the same thing happened. He got a mountain of presents, but he didn't care. He LOVED his party and talked constantly about it, but for some reason, that wasn't enough for us. We wanted him to be just as excited about all of the presents that he got. We, again, assumed that he must just be totally spoiled.

So, Christmas is here again, and once again, Holloway is showing zero interest in "getting presents." We've tried to get him to be excited.

"Hey Holloway, do you want to go to the toy store and see what you might want to ask Santa for for Christmas?"
"Umm...no thank you, I just want to color." He responds as Scott and I walk off scratching our heads.

The other evening, my husband got fed up. He came to me and said..."He's just not going to get anything. Maybe then he'll appreciate Christmas."

The aburdity of that thinking suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. So, because our son isn't begging for toys, making lists of presents he wants, and daydreaming about what he's going to get on Christmas morning, he's going to punished? That's ridiculous, right?

I suddenly realized that Scott and I were the ones who have been spoiled. Spoiled by receiving the wondrous gift from God, his only son, but not bothering to put Him at the center of the celebration of His very own birthday. A mountain of shame suddenly fell on me when I realized how wrong I was to actually be upset because my child wasn't centering his focus on "getting presents" at Christmas time.

I stopped to think about what Holloway does enjoy about Christmas. He loved putting the ornaments on the tree. He loves singing Christmas songs. He loves making Christmas cookies. He loves coloring Christmas pictures - most of all, he loves all of these things because they are things that he gets to do with the people he loves...us. And when you ask him why people give presents to each other on Christmas, he says, "Because it's Jesus' birthday!" Yes, we've always made it a point to teach him that, but the problem is, we weren't living it out.

All the while that we were teaching Holloway that Christmas is all about celebrating Jesus' birthday, our actions, our emotions, our day to day concerns, were only reflecting our own selfish desires.

This Christmas, I am so thankful for my precious little boy who just taught me a great big lesson.

2008-12-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

Why do daughters torture their mothers? My sweet precious little 19 month old girl is an absolute angel when I'm not around. As soon as I walk in the door, she enters into a marathon fuss fest that only ends when her cute little head hits the pillow at night.

She began at a daycare this week, 3 days a week. Her first day was Tuesday, so on Monday, I took her to visit and meet the other kids and get some familiarity with the place. There are 3 adorable little preschool girls who were so excited about the prospect of a baby girl to play with. They ran up to meet her only to be greeting with screaming, hitting, grabbing of toys, etc. She continued to act like a pre-madonna the entire time.

The next day, I dropped her off and fully expected to get a call within an hour or so to come and pick up the little beast who came from my womb. Instead, I get a call telling me what an angel she's been all day, how well she's been playing with others, how obediant she has been...this is not the child that I know.

So, this is the story that I hear regularly. "She hasn't made a peep all day until you walked in the door." Someday, I hope to meet this little sweet angel that everyone keeps telling me about.

From the Mouths of Babes...

2008-12-03T11:10:00.001-08:00

Inspired by a Christmas ornament post by a friend, I decided to join the rest of civilation and start a blog. I'm also inspired because I actually have something funny to write about.

My son is a kindergartener and attends an after-school care program that his school offers. He's become especially attached to an incredibly sweet kindergarten teaching assistant who happens to be the principal's wife. Yesterday, there was a discussion in after-school care about "who's the boss." From what I understand, my son was coloring at a table while this discussion was going on but was apparently listening to every word. Some kids were asking a teacher if she was the boss or in charge of after school care. She replied, "Yes, but you know, God is my boss." To that, the kids replied, "Yea, but Mr. McGee is the boss of the whole school." Without missing a beat, Holloway looks up from his coloring and says, "Yea, but Mrs. McGee is the boss of Mr. McGee." That's my boy!

I'm beginning to wonder if my husband and I should reevaluate the roles we are taking on in our household...